I'm confused and torn. I'm drawn towards so many different spiritual traditions and monastic orders at the moment, particularly Christian and Buddhist. I like certain aspects of each I explore, and dislike just as many. I dislike the sectarian triumphalism, however subtle, I find in each as well. I suppose one may be more right than another, and each tends to think their tradition is the bee's knees of truth, but I see in each a genuine core of honest suffering and purity that comes from the same place and points in the same direction. Each may use different words to convey these things, and they may have different philosophical and theological assumptions underlying them, but they're essentially trying to express, and own, something that's universal and open to all.
In Christianity, for example, love and forgiveness are key tenets. It's said that "God is love" (John 4:16), and the whole of the law is fulfilled in keeping one commandment: "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Gal 5:14). And yet, even within the multitude of Christian traditions, one church will refuse to be in communion with another for any number of seemingly trivial reasons, which to them are quite serious; but in relation to the core doctrines of Christianity — love, charity, and forgiveness — they seem rather meaningless. Is God one or three? Is Jesus lesser than God or are they equal? Does one have to be fully immersed during baptism or is affusion and aspersion OK? These kinds of things separate churches, and yet, can we ever fully understand God, to say with certainty that God is one thing or another? Would an all-loving God of forgiveness reject someone because of the way water was applied during their baptism? Buddhism has similar issues, of course, although not as pronounced.
Despite this, I have trouble living a spiritual life outside of religious institutions and communities. For me, worldly life is filled with so many comforts and distractions, and I'm surrounded by so many people who don't feel the same spiritual calling as I do, that I easily fall away from my spiritual practices. I'm easily swept up in and buffeted by the worldly winds of gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, and pain. I'm seduced by pleasure and gain, and I become morally weak trying to live in a society that tends to idealize and promote greed and self-interest over altruism and the common good, and competition over cooperation. The world feeds my unskillful/sinful behaviour, and I need external sources of support to help motivate me and keep me on the right path. It's not that I'm a bad person on my own; but I need help to be an even better one, and that's why I constantly seek out spiritual people and places. I'm good at being lazy and selfish, mostly because it doesn't take a lot of work.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm trapped in a cage, trapped in my home and by all the distracting things in it, by my job, and by the expectations placed upon me. Like a bird who's lived its whole life in a cage and is afraid to venture beyond the open door, I feel the urge to fly but can't bring myself to make the leap. I'm conditioned to stay where I am even though my instinct is to sore amongst the white clouds. But the oppressiveness doesn't ultimately lie in my home, my job, or the expectations of others; it's in myself. It's a cage of my own making. I could be meditating, but there's always a new episode of something on Hulu I'd rather be watching. I could be nicer to people at work, but in my pride, it's so much easier to be critical, angry, and impatient. I could go to my Friday night meditation and discussion group, but everyone's meeting for drinks and I don't want to miss out.
Lately, because of this, I've been trying to spend more time at churches and read more spiritually-oriented books, and it's helped some. I've also been thinking about joining a church too, although I'm on the fence about which, if any, I should join. I'm Western, and I'm drawn towards the Trappists, so Catholicism? But I really like Orthodox churches, and they have their own contemplative traditions as well. The former's liberation theology speaks to me as a political creature, but the latter has a deep mystical tradition that speaks to me as a spiritual being. And yet, each has social/theological positions on things like same-sex marriage and sexual relationships and opposition to women clergy that I just can't accept, which brings me back to questioning why the hell I'm even thinking about joining a church in the first place, at least one outside of certain Anglican and Lutheran or Unitarian churches that are far more progressive in this area.
One thing that draws me towards Catholicism and Orthodoxy, probably the main thing really, is their comparable contemplative, mystical traditions, as well as their long-standing monastic traditions. I'm extremely drawn towards monasticism, and they're the main game in town when it comes to Christian monasticism. Plus there's something about their services, especially mass/divine liturgy, that I find beautiful and uplifting and want to be a part of. I guess I appreciate the ritual aspect of it, and I really enjoy the mysticism of it all. Because of my time at Our Lady of Guadalupe, I was pretty sure about wanting to attend an inquiry/RCIA class at somewhere like St. Philip Neri; but after a recent conversation I had with an Orthodox friend of mine, I'm now leaning towards checking out the inquiry class at a nearby Greek Orthodox church if it's not too late (I'd go to both, but it seems as if every church schedules them at 7pm on Wednesday to prevent that kind of competition.)
Part of me thinks I should just focus on my Buddhist practice, which would solve a lot of these dilemmas; but I'm drawn to both traditions because they each help complement my spiritual life. I want to be a student of every religion and learn what they have to offer. I wish I had someone to go to for advice, but I'm not sure who. Most probably wouldn't understand my point of view, my universalist desire to be a part of all these different spiritual communities and try to absorb all I can from them. My non-religious friends probably think I'm crazy, and my religious ones have their own biases and tend to pull me in one direction or another, making it hard for me to know what the best thing for me is. And it doesn't help that I'm the most indecisive person in the world.
That Orthodox friend of yours says, the enquirers class at the Greek church, if it's taught by 'that deacon', is not going to be very helpful. It would likely muddy the waters even more. You're a divergent soul, capable of living in several 'traditions' at once, even as I am. I would suggest a more organic approach to Orthodoxy: just joining in the Divine Liturgy and let it form and transform you; that's what it's there for, and don't try to be too decisive about 'joining' anything. You're obviously already 'joined' in the only way that matters in the end. To find that spiritual home on earth is still a valid quest, and Orthodoxy would put you in a very central place from which you could still reach out to and receive from many 'traditions,' but you will never become a mainstream Orthodox or any kind of Christian, because you're already past the point they generally end at. You will always find people in the Orthodox faith, and in others, who can be soul mates and co-journeyers with you. But if you must root down, then just be prepared to accept the folly of others, even when it is official 'church' positions on things, and along with yours truly, be at peace with them and with yourself while we wait for them to 'grow up'.
ReplyDeletePeace and truth, brother.