12/13/14

Prayer. That was the theme for Wednesday's inquiry class, as well as Fr. Michael's homily this evening. The gist of both was that prayer isn't simply a form of rote repetition but an event you enter, a living, mystical experience of the presence of God. Ultimately, prayer should transform you and 'wake you' up to the divine presence all around you, much like the experience of St. Francis.

He also talked about the role of prayer in confronting 'evil' in the world. Jesus says to "love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you" (Mt 5:44). Why? Perhaps because our love and our prayers and our actions will help make a difference in the world, help change the minds and hearts of those who would do us and others harm. But even if not, Fr. Michael said that to hate something or someone is to bring that hate and darkness into your own heart. The same with things like anger, jealousy, and resentment. To hate is to pollute our own hearts and minds; to love is to purify them. Much like how the Buddha said:

Phenomena are preceded by the heart,
++++ruled by the heart,
++++made of the heart.
If you speak or act
with a corrupted heart,
then suffering follows you —
as the wheel of the cart,
++++the track of the ox
++++that pulls it.

Phenomena are  preceded by the heart,
++++ruled by the heart,
++++made of the heart.
If you speak or act
with a calm, bright heart,
then happiness follows you,
like a shadow
++++that never leaves.

In many ways, I think, prayer is a form of intention; and in prayer, what we're intending is the non-doing of evil, the performance of what's skillful, and the cleansing of our hearts. We seek to go inside and unveil the innate goodness within, no matter how many layers of ignorance obscure it. And to do that, we need a still point inside, a place of quiet, a place of peace, so that we can listen with our hearts rather than our ears. In the words of St. John of the Cross, "The Father spoke one word from all eternity and he spoke it in silence, and it is in silence that we hear it."

Ultimately, then, I think both prayer and meditation are ways for us to come into contact with the absolute; and some of what Fr. Michael said reminded me of St. John Vianney's words on how prayer stretches the small heart of a small (finite) creature all the way to God (the infinite). Or to paraphrase Fr. Michael, "Prayer is an event we enter into. Moments when heaven and earth touch."

12/8/14

I was thinking of writing something about God today, about the experience of God/Dhamma as I understand it; but then I read this post from Fr. Dn. Charles Joiner's blog, Orthodox Way of Life, and decided that it sums up my own thoughts much better than I ever could myself:

When you read in Scripture, the Kingdom of God is within us (Lk 17:21), what does this mean to you? The Church Fathers refer to this place within also as the "Heart." It is in this place that God has fashioned that God abides so He can manifest Himself through each person. The role of the Church is to help us discover this deep place of the "Heart" that is also the center of our soul.

It is the place within where we wage a battle for our salvation. This is the target of all our ascetic efforts. We want it to be made pure. Jesus has told us that the pure of Heart will see God. As we seek to become united with God, to overcome our sinfulness, we desire that our soul, its "Heart" be ignited by His grace.

Jesus told us, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. (Matt 12:30) So, what does this mean? Saint Gregory Palamas says the heart is the body of our body, a place where our whole being becomes like a knot. When our mind and heart are united we have only one thought––the thought of God. All of our desire is focused on God. When we give our whole mind, our whole heart to God we are totally focused on Him. In this stance we receive His grace and are given the ability to do His will. In this way we attain what Apostle Paul meant when he said that Christ is formed in us (Gal 4:19). We become whole and are perfected.

We can never wholly contain God in our heart as He is infinite, something greater than our heart. He makes it a dwelling place, a temple of His divinity reflecting His image in us. When our whole heart and mind are turned to God we become holy, enlightened, "the light of the world." It is in this way that God directs our life, fulfilling the purpose He has for us.

Reflect on the following passage from the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus told His disciple the following:

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In this same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16)

We want to purify our heart so that it shines, becomes a great light, enabling us to take action in the world in a way that glorifies God, that encourages others to purify their hearts and to seek God with their whole heart and mind and soul. In this way the whole world can become a great light.

What is it that keeps us from becoming this light that Jesus speaks about? Our reality is that we are not able to give our whole heart and mind to God but instead are distracted by our passions, our earthly desires. We are not living with a focus on the "Heart" but on the things of this created world siphoning our attention away from God. Because of our fallen nature we have within us also the tendency to sin. As Paul says, "all have sinned and come short of the Glory of God." (Rom 3:23)

How are we to proceed? We must do as the prodigal son, recognize our condition and seek to return to our father's house which is within. We must uproot our sinful tendencies so that God's commandments will become alive in our heart instead of our passions and worldly desires. This is a path of return that is difficult. There is only one way and that is to master our situation with God's help so we can follow the divine commandments. Archimandrite Zacharias writes,

There is no greater misfortune than that of an insensible and verified heart that is unable to distinguish between the luminous Way of God's Providence and the gloomy confusion of the ways of the world.

Difficult, yes, but we know it is possible. We have an all powerful ally, God. His aim is for our "Heart" to become His temple. He says to us, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock: If anyone hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come to him, and will sup with him, and he with Me? (Rev 3"20). When we knock and the door is opened we discover the greatest of miracles. Our heart becomes united with the Holy Spirit. With an open "Heart" we can unify our mind with our heart and God will fill His Kingdom within us with His full goodness.

For this to happen God must first be able to converse with us. We must be capable of hearing Him and willing to surrender our will to His direction. In this way God can become the sole focus of our life. We must learn to develop an intimate relationship with Him so we can have an ongoing dialogue with Him

What gets in the way? It's our pride, our self-centeredness. We fail to see the larger picture and see our death as the end of everything that gives us pleasure. We become fearful and sinful seeking to satisfy our own needs. We are stuck until we can come to terms with the reality of our situation, just like the prodigal son before he was able to return to his father. We must say what he said, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you and am no more worthy to be called your son. (Luke 15:19-19) In this way we are humbled. We discover how poorly we live by His commandments, how distant we are from Him. We see clearly our self-centeredness, our selfishness and pride. We become sorry for our condition and seek His help to return. From this realization we are motivated to make changes in our attitude and orientation toward life and God. We begin a long journey of purification where we liberate our "Heart" from all the bodily passions. In cooperation with Grace we will finally be able to surrender our whole being to Him, to commit our whole heart, our whole mind, and our whole soul to Him. We will discover the "Kingdom within."

12/7/14

My experience at mass today had a surprisingly big impact on me. I didn't expect it to, but everything seemed to address some aspect of what I've been going through the past week, from my continued exploration of Catholicism and my interest in monasticism to the recent protests sparked by the separate decisions not to indict the officers involved in the deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Garner and the societal issues underlying them.

Before mass, I watched an episode of TLC's The Monastery, a show that I recently discovered about a group of men who visit Christ in the Desert, a Benedictine monastery in New Mexico, for 40 days. I'm interested in monastic life, so I was excited to find the show. And in this particular episode, the community has a 'desert day,' where everyone must spend the whole day in silence and solitude. One of the men, Will, has a lot of thoughts and feelings come up that have been haunting him for a long time, and they kind of overwhelm him when he no longer has a routine to distract himself with.

At mass, I sat in meditation before the beginning of the service and a lot of things came bubbling up and I felt a lot like Will, with guilt and shame and restless energy welling up within me. I was surprised to find that even things I'd thought I'd gotten over long ago, things I did as a kid, I'm still carrying around inside. Guilt and remorse over harming animals and insects. Over acts of greed and selfishness. Over unskillful things I did out of lust. Even though many happened far in the past, the shadows of those actions still follow me, like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox. I realized that I didn't feel worthy of anything holy or spiritual, and deep down, I don't think most people do either. We're imperfect, broken, looking for healing and reconciliation.

Fr. Charlie's homily touched upon that notion somewhat, as well as the importance of social justice in 'preparing the way of the Lord' and 'making straight his paths,' connecting them together in a holistic way, with the readings pointing towards preparing both the world and ourselves for the kingdom of heaven.

The first reading from Isaiah reflects the peace and justice aspect of the Catholic spiritual practice, the outward 'ministry' of the Church. In preparing the way for the Lord, we're called to knockdown all the things in society that separate and divide us from one another, i.e., nationalism, racism, sexism, human trafficking, xenophobic immigration policies, etc. The second and third readings reflect the internal aspect of Catholic spirituality, straightening the crookedness in ourselves and our own lives, with both the sacraments and the community acting as our encouragement and support.

Fr. Charlie said that the kingdom is here, now; and it's up to us to prepare the way by fulfilling the commandments to love God, love our neighbour, and love one another as God loves us. And to me, preparing the way of the Lord by making "straight in the wasteland a highway," filling the valleys, and lowering the mountains means fighting for equality, raising the oppressed and bringing the rich and powerful 'down to earth,' uniting all in a classless society not unlike the Christian community described in Acts: everyone of one heart and mind, holding everything in common and distributing to each according to need (Acts 4:32-35). But whether or not that's how the Church interprets today's readings, Fr. Charlie's homily really touched me and gave me a lot of comfort and encouragement, assuaging my feelings of shame and unworthiness.

We're all unworthy in a sense. We all have the potential to do unskillful things out of greed, aversion, and delusion. And that's really the underlying point of communion—recognizing that we have faults and yet celebrating what's good and holy in all of us, ideally reuniting us in a bond of love and understanding with one another and God, this divine mystery.

After mass, one of the ladies I met in the B- group invited me and another lady (a Holy Name sister) to watch Fr. Michael anoint her and give her a blessing before her back surgery on Wednesday. Fr. Michael anointed her forehead and palms, then had us place our hands on her head as he said a prayer. It seemed like it meant a lot to her, and I felt honoured that she asked me to be there. There are so many people like that at St. Philip, and it moves me how much a part of the community they've made me in such a short time.

12/6/14

The last couple of weeks have flown by. Thanksgiving seems like yesterday. I wanted to write something about Wednesday's B- group, and here it is already Saturday. I've forgotten half the things that were on my mind. I remember some of it had to do with the discussion about Advent, the time to celebrate the Incarnation, the uniting of heaven and earth.

Fr. Michael pointed out that, in the story of Jesus, God became flesh, uniting heaven and earth. The Incarnation is about God wanting to commune with creation, with us. In that context, Fr. Michael touched upon the role of prayer in opening us up to the presence of God all around us. We think mystical experiences are beyond us, that we're not capable of them, and yet we're naturally drawn towards them, like a deer to a stream of water.

But unlike the deer of the Psalms, our stream is within. Fr. Michael said that numerous passages ask us to turn within and to look for God there, as well as in our interactions with others. The kingdom of God is among us and within us. We are temples of God in which the spirit of God dwells. It's good to set aside some time each day for quiet and solitude, for meditation and prayer, for listening to God.

In contrast to that, the next day I went to the Holiday Ale Fest, and as I started walking home I ran straight into a march protesting the decision not to indict the officer involved in the murder of Eric Garner, as well as the decision not to indict the officer involved in the Ferguson shooting of Michael Brown. I found myself in the front as the group marched from Pioneer Square to the Moda Center, chanting along the way various slogans such as, "No justice, no peace," "Who's lives matter? Black lives matter," etc.

It felt good, right; and being near the front, I started chanting at the top of my lungs, raising my fist and raging against the system with all my being. All that was going through my mind was, "This has to stop, and I have to be on the front line against racism, sexism, and every other kind of discriminatory 'ism' there is. Enough is enough!" Fighting injustice is also a spiritual pursuit, in my opinion.

I also decided to read the New Testament all the way through on Advent Sunday, it being the beginning of a new liturgical year and all. I'm finding a lot of parallels between the teachings of Jesus and those of the Buddha recorded in the Pali Canon. I'll try to take Fr. Michael's advice about using my imagination to make it real and see how it relates to me.