My experience at mass today had a surprisingly big impact on me. I didn't expect it to, but everything seemed to address some aspect of what I've been going through the past week, from my continued exploration of Catholicism and my interest in monasticism to the recent protests sparked by the separate decisions not to indict the officers involved in the deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Garner and the societal issues underlying them.
Before mass, I watched an episode of TLC's The Monastery, a show that I recently discovered about a group of men who visit Christ in the Desert, a Benedictine monastery in New Mexico, for 40 days. I'm interested in monastic life, so I was excited to find the show. And in this particular episode, the community has a 'desert day,' where everyone must spend the whole day in silence and solitude. One of the men, Will, has a lot of thoughts and feelings come up that have been haunting him for a long time, and they kind of overwhelm him when he no longer has a routine to distract himself with.
At mass, I sat in meditation before the beginning of the service and a lot of things came bubbling up and I felt a lot like Will, with guilt and shame and restless energy welling up within me. I was surprised to find that even things I'd thought I'd gotten over long ago, things I did as a kid, I'm still carrying around inside. Guilt and remorse over harming animals and insects. Over acts of greed and selfishness. Over unskillful things I did out of lust. Even though many happened far in the past, the shadows of those actions still follow me, like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox. I realized that I didn't feel worthy of anything holy or spiritual, and deep down, I don't think most people do either. We're imperfect, broken, looking for healing and reconciliation.
Fr. Charlie's homily touched upon that notion somewhat, as well as the importance of social justice in 'preparing the way of the Lord' and 'making straight his paths,' connecting them together in a holistic way, with the readings pointing towards preparing both the world and ourselves for the kingdom of heaven.
The first reading from Isaiah reflects the peace and justice aspect of the Catholic spiritual practice, the outward 'ministry' of the Church. In preparing the way for the Lord, we're called to knockdown all the things in society that separate and divide us from one another, i.e., nationalism, racism, sexism, human trafficking, xenophobic immigration policies, etc. The second and third readings reflect the internal aspect of Catholic spirituality, straightening the crookedness in ourselves and our own lives, with both the sacraments and the community acting as our encouragement and support.
Fr. Charlie said that the kingdom is here, now; and it's up to us to prepare the way by fulfilling the commandments to love God, love our neighbour, and love one another as God loves us. And to me, preparing the way of the Lord by making "straight in the wasteland a highway," filling the valleys, and lowering the mountains means fighting for equality, raising the oppressed and bringing the rich and powerful 'down to earth,' uniting all in a classless society not unlike the Christian community described in Acts: everyone of one heart and mind, holding everything in common and distributing to each according to need (Acts 4:32-35). But whether or not that's how the Church interprets today's readings, Fr. Charlie's homily really touched me and gave me a lot of comfort and encouragement, assuaging my feelings of shame and unworthiness.
We're all unworthy in a sense. We all have the potential to do unskillful things out of greed, aversion, and delusion. And that's really the underlying point of communion—recognizing that we have faults and yet celebrating what's good and holy in all of us, ideally reuniting us in a bond of love and understanding with one another and God, this divine mystery.
After mass, one of the ladies I met in the B- group invited me and another lady (a Holy Name sister) to watch Fr. Michael anoint her and give her a blessing before her back surgery on Wednesday. Fr. Michael anointed her forehead and palms, then had us place our hands on her head as he said a prayer. It seemed like it meant a lot to her, and I felt honoured that she asked me to be there. There are so many people like that at St. Philip, and it moves me how much a part of the community they've made me in such a short time.
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