Today I started work with the intention of being more positive and trying to transform my relationship with those around me, and I failed with the very first customer. I was running behind setting up my station and trying to at least finish taking all the temps before I opened at 7am when someone snuck around to an open gate and placed an order. Instead of being kind and understanding, instead of treating them as Jesus or a buddha (here I'm thinking of the story of Asanga and the wounded dog), I instantly got angry and my negative attitude coloured the majority of the rest of my day.
It was disheartening to say the least. It was also enlightening, though, in the sense that I clearly saw just how much I didn't like my job. It's monotonous, low-paying, and terribly unfulfilling, and the main reasons I've stuck around are: convenience (ideal working hours and no weekends); fear (of not being able to find another job/pay my bills), difficulty finding something better; low self-esteem (lack of confidence and no college degree); and love (liking my coworkers and not wanting to abandon them).
People keep asking me what I want to do, and all I can think of are people like Thomas Merton and Ajahn Sudanto. My heart is in religious life. It's the only kind of vocation or career that I can think of that calls to me and I think would truly fulfill me. The only exception is maybe writing, especially writing about my spiritual experiences, e.g., visiting monasteries, going on retreats, developments in my own understanding, etc. But my writing isn't that good, and I'd need a fair bit of schooling before it'd be anywhere near the level needed to make a living on, and that's assuming I could actually find a way to make a living doing that in such a tough market.
It's the same dilemma I've had for years, I suppose. I'm not happy and I feel like I'm stuck, but I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm not likely to transform myself or my work by staying where I'm at, making bagels and coffee at a college food court. I'm just not. At some point, I'm going to have to make a vocational change. I don't know precisely what, but I know that I can't keep doing this and expect to be anything but unhappy.
My first thought is, the regression into negativity through the unexpected, shows not that you don't like your job, but that you are not at peace with yourself. The feeling of being called to a contemplative life is a common delusion of people of the priestly type. I had it myself, to begin with. It was driven out of me by getting married, raising a family of four boys, and working my butt off in jobs I was too good for and didn't like, but it transformed me in ways that could never have been brought on by contemplation.
ReplyDeleteI had read that to be at peace at all times and in all situations was a major goal of spirituality, but it was by learning to deny myself and do the will of others, as I still do, brought about this peace. I know I have much more to offer others than I am usually allowed to give, but that no longer bothers me, even though I complain about it as a way of poking fun of myself. Here I am, a multi-linguist, writer, designer, artist, a leader and public speaker, and a theoretician, and what have I been doing the last four years in the company I once managed? I am turning out aluminum parts on a mill. I could be unhappy, and sometimes am, with this situation, but the unhappiness arises from the conditions that I share with others who are even less blessed than I am.
I can see you, Jason, being most happy and maybe most at peace, if you were in a situation where you had little time to focus on yourself. Though you seem to be a contemplative, I think the irony of existence indicates that a life of action in serving others would ground and deepen and give non-cerebral, spiritual quality to your contemplation. The best and perhaps the only real contemplatives are those who do not know that is what they are.
I love you, brother, and keep you in my prayers, but I also think in your case failure would be better than success. Failure, being not being able to achieve your goals, so that the goal God has set for you can become visible.
Go with Christ, Jason, and walk in light.
Romanos
Here's some thoughts...
ReplyDeletehttp://cost-of-discipleship.blogspot.com/2014/03/patterns.html
I don't think you're completely off base, because I think you're an extremely perceptive person, but I'm not entirely sure you're right, either.
ReplyDeleteAs far as my job goes, I don't like it and I'm not happy there. I could go into detail about why and how I know, but since this is public, I'll just say that I'm sure it isn't just because I'm not at peace with myself. I'm sure that's part of it, but there are a lot of external factors that come into play, as well.
When it comes to monasticism and religious life in general, I think it can help provide precisely what you recommend, i.e., a life of action in serving others and a situation where I'd have little time to focus on myself. In my experience, monastics continually serve one another, as well as those who come as guests. At the very least, I've found myself very happy at monasteries and with people who have dedicated their lives to their spiritual practice.
It's not that I think one can't do that in 'the world,' but I've definitely found it more of a challenge. I'm stubborn and find it hard to deny myself. I find it hard to live for others. But I've found spiritual communities extremely helpful in this regard.
I don't think that monastic life, or even that of a priest, is some kind of magic pill that'll necessarily make me at peace and solve all my problems. It's never been a goal per se. But I also can't deny how much I feel drawn towards it, or the pain I feel inside every time I say 'no' to it.
I honestly don't know what goal God has set for me, if any. I feel torn between what you call 'success' and 'failure,' and I'm not sure what path to follow. I just want to do something meaningful with my life, to be a positive influence on the world and to maybe even know God.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably join the Catholic Church and on the way there and after arriving I would choose a monastery in the area and start hanging out there, choosing a monastic as a mentor/friend, and then, if between you and him it seems a good risk to live there, to give it a try.
ReplyDeleteI too am a materialistic person, and I do indulge myself in secular pursuits and entertainment of a sort (collecting coins and artifacts). If all my 'stuff' were to suddenly disappear, I would probably sell my house or turn it over to one of my boys, and go to Mount Athos (Greece) and try to stay there.
It's hard to imagine oneself being a monastic, even when in your heart you feel most 'at home' there, when you have made commitments of time and energy (money is also energy) to a set of people, places, and things. It's hard to part with these, but monastic vocation, being a kind of 'die before your death' opportunity, forces you into following your heart.
Most men have sexual needs too that must be addressed, and though monastic life and its rigor does substitute for sexual activity (I know it sounds strange but it does; I know as a sort of lay monastic) to some degree, I suppose it would vary for different people. This is, of course, another thing to consider.
Thanks for responding to my unworthy ramblings. Though I sometimes seem to be speaking authoritatively, I am not. My thoughts are only my best guesses, trying as I do, to speak the best truth I can, and to relieve people of uncertainty.
I am with you, whatever happens.
In Christ,
Romanos
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ReplyDeleteI'm contemplating doing something like that. I've spent a fair amount of time in Buddhist monasteries, and five days at a Catholic one. My initial intent was to participate in one of their 30-day monastic life retreats; but the vocational director thought it best for me to wait and have more familiarity with the Church first. That's partially what started me on this journey, besides my general interest of course.
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