Now that I'm not working, I have a lot of free time, which means a lot of time to think. This morning, for example, I was thinking about Last Sunday's mass, and in particular, a prayer of Cardinal Newman's that Fr. Bill had us partially recite during his homily:
God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away.
I wish I knew what my calling in this life was. I feel like if I knew, I'd be more at peace, like a great weight would be lifted off of me. But that's kind of a selfish wish, isn't it? I want my life to have meaning, to be fulfilling. I want to devote myself to something in order to feel like my life has some worth, that I haven't been created for naught. I want to trade the suffering of not having a goal for the suffering of not yet achieving my goal.
It's a relatively wholesome desire in the grand scheme of things, I suppose. But still, it all revolves around 'me,' about what 'I' want and about what would make 'me' happy, which tells me that I've yet to truly understand the conditions of discipleship...
Contemplating all of this, I wandered over to St. Michael the Archangel for the noon mass. The readings for the day were about generosity and right intention. One should give for the sake of giving, for being able to give is a greater gift and blessing than to receive; and more important than the size of the gift is the spirit/intention in which it's given. What God (or InterBeing a la Knitter) shares with us, we should joyfully share with others out of love and compassion—we should give selflessly, without strings or expectations of reward:
[T]ake care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father. When you give alms, do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win the praise of others. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right is doing, so that your almsgiving may be secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you. (Mt 6:1-4)In hoarding what we have, aren't we closing our hearts to those around us who are in need? What's more, aren't we admitting through our actions that we don't believe there are fruits and results of good and bad actions (a rejection of dependent co-arising and part of wrong view in Buddhism)? Rather than give, we cling. Rather than seeking God or awakening, we make our own material comfort the central care of our lives.
Like in Cardinal Newman's prayer, we're links in a chain, bonds of connection, which I think hints at the non-dual nature of reality. Ultimately, there's no real separation between 'us' and 'them,' no difference between samsara and nirvana, or in the words of Paul, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free person, there is not male and female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal 3:28).
Something else that stood out to me today was that, during the responsorial Psalm, I just couldn't bring myself to repeat "Blessed the man who fears the Lord," so I quietly sang "Blessed the man who loves the Lord" instead. I realized that such language doesn't reflect my understanding of God; and I simply can't believe in a God who must be feared. God is love, and I feel that our language about God should reflect that.
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