8/25/22

I met with Pastor Robyn this afternoon to discuss becoming a member of Spirit of Grace. I got there a few minutes before she did, so I sat and waited while I filled out the paperwork the person in the office had for me, mostly things like demographic info, basic religious info like baptism, confirmation, and first communion dates, etc. Once she arrived, I was a little nervous, but she broke the ice by asking me about my job and what I liked about vs. what I didn't. I was honest about liking my job as a medical assistant and caring for patients but not so much the larger company and healthcare system that it's contained within, including my unhappiness with the general corporate structure, the overall focus on money, the lack of voice support positions in healthcare have, the brokenness of our insurance system, etc. She shared with me the experience of a friend of hers who's a chaplain at Providence St. Vincent Medical Center struggling with something similar, and mentioned some of the organizing work done by groups looking to help change things for the better, such as Metropolitan Alliance for Common Good.

We then moved on to other, more positive topics, like my spiritual journey and how I ended up entering the church as an adult after being critical of it for such a long time based on negative experiences I had with self-identified Christians, historical and present day abuses and intolerance, and things of that nature. I noted one major turning point was starting the New Testament and reading about the life of Jesus and my experience with Christian monasticism and contemplative practices. And when she asked about what I get out of it and why I stay rather than walk away, I returned to some of the things I said earlier to her about the spiritual nourishment and inspiration I get from gathering with others of a like mind, sharing in communion, and hearing homilies that motivate me to not give up on trying to better myself and the world around me when it seems like a hopeless crusade. I told her that I occasionally need to be reminded that I'm not alone, and to be given the energy, love, support, and moments of peace I need to carry on. I told her that I go wherever I feel God, which doesn't necessarily mean God isn't present in other places, only that it means it's not the right place for me. And when it's the right place, I just know; and I had the same feeling when the Paulists were at St. Philip as I now have at places like Central Lutheran and Spirit of Grace. I feel closer to God when I'm there.

She shared a lot of her own struggles and experiences as well, and I enjoyed hearing about the silent retreat she did with Thich Nhat Hanh and about 1,000 other people, particularly the sneaking of snacks and discussions with her roommates near the end of the retreat, and the walking meditation that took them through a herd of elk who simply went on grazing, undisturbed by the throng of people radiating harmlessness. There was a powerful lesson there. And I appreciated the humility shown when, after a discussion about the historical abuses and intolerance of the church and oppressive power dynamics in general, she recounted the topic of her last homily and how it was religious leaders in league with the state of Rome went after Jesus for addressing the injustices of the people before the cleansing of the temple and succeeded in having him executed afterwards. She was conscious that it was precisely the religious leaders of the day who were the most antithetical towards Jesus and his mission. She said that she couldn't really lead anyone in the opposite direction, but that she was on the same walkway and that we have to figure out how to turn around and go in the right direction together.

We talked so much about so many things that it's kind of a blur and I can't remember it all, but somehow two hours passed by when I initially thought she'd give me a solid 30 minutes or so knowing how busy she is. I already knew that I wanted to become a member of Spirit of Grace well before she asked what I thought she or the congregation could offer me and what I was looking to get out of it. I'm not sure she realized that I'd found what I needed the moment I walked through the door on my first visit. But the icing on the cake came at the end, when she offered to sit with me in silent prayer/meditation for five minutes, and it was probably the most peaceful five minutes of breathing in and out I've had in months, resting with the name of God while mentally breathing in and releasing the energy of world. The people here have a vision that I share. They are open to and accept differences, making an intentional effort to be a living example of the universal church. They seek to know themselves and their faith better. And they strive to follow Jesus' example and be the change Jesus came to bring to the world. I think I've found a new home.