There are so many things I wanted to write about this week, but I can't seem to find the time or motivation. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. Work's been beating me down. My mom's still stuck in the hospital. And I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, adding to the weight on my mind and further fueling this mid-life crisis I seem to be having.
I think I'm depressed. Part of the problem is that I'm 36 and working a low-paying, dead-end job. Everyone's been encouraging me to find a new one since the one I have is making me so unhappy. But it's hard to find things outside of food service without a BA these days; and I don't really have the time or money to go to school full time. I can barely keep up with my bills and other life expenses as it is. I'd need a lot of loans for that, and I'm afraid of getting into too much debt.
One reason I'm so afraid of debt is watching what my parents had to go through. When I was young, just starting high school, my parents were forced to file for bankruptcy. They got into a lot of debt — some of it from medical bills, some of it just from having a family, a mortgage, etc. — and they just couldn't dig themselves out of the hole. We were also close to losing our house. It was a scary and stressful time for all of us.
I certainly didn't want us to become homeless, so I let my mom cash in all the bonds my uncle had given me for college to help save our home, thinking, "It's just money; I'm sure I'll find a way to make more and replace it when I'm finished with school." But I never did. My family was stuck living paycheck to paycheck; and as soon as I graduated high school, I started working, too.
I didn't really have much hope of going to college right after high school even if I wanted to, though. My grades the last year or so weren't too good. By then, my grandmother had passed away, my mom was recovering from cancer treatment, and I was as full of teenage angst as one could be. Life at home was rocky; and I wasn't getting along very well with my dad. As a result, I started withdrawing more and more into myself, and was increasingly self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. All I could think about was graduating and getting out of my parent's house. It was all I cared about.
Looking back, I wish I'd made a lot of different choices. I was suffering and just trying to find some small sliver of happiness in what was for me a tough and brutal world; but I was also young and selfish and thought I knew everything. Because of those choices, I'm stuck in the same cycle of poverty that my parents were, living paycheck to paycheck, wishing I'd at least tried to go to college.
So what's stopping me now? The fear of debt, for one. I'd have to take out some serious loans to get a four-year degree, let alone anything more than that. Assuming things go well, I'd be 40+ by the time I got my degree, and likely 70+ before finally being out of debt. That's a big risk. It'd also mean giving up on any thoughts of becoming a monk, since you can't enter a monastery with debt. And that means a lot of soul-searching.
Another thing is my mom's health, her mortality hovering over me like the fear of debt. She doesn't want me to become a monk because she's afraid it'll mean never seeing me again; and I'm afraid that going will break her heart. I want to make sure I'm always here for her whenever she needs me.
Annie and I have talked about this before, and she understands the difficulties I'm having making this choice. She was lucky enough to have her parents pay for her education, so she entered the workforce young, educated, and debt free. She can't imagine being burdened with the amount of debt some of her other friends are saddled with. She also understands the pull monasticism has for me, and has often wondered if I'd be happier as a monk. But I'm not sure she understands how truly torn I am. I love her more than life itself; she's my rock, my home. And yet I feel called to something that would separate us forever.
One of the things I pray for most is guidance. Time is passing us by, and I have to make a choice sooner rather than later. I'm standing at a crossroads and can see the pros and cons of each decision. I can see a potentially happy life with Annie and a career; and I can see an equally happy life in a cloister or wat (Buddhist monastery) somewhere.
Life is amazing, and I'm not drawn towards monasticism out of revulsion. I don't want to run away from the world; it's just that a spiritual, contemplative life is the only one that makes sense to me. But in our modern world, it seems like the path to acquiring material success has steadily become more and more divorced from that, creating an almost insurmountable division. And I'm afraid of being stranded on one side of the chasm or the other.
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