8/2/15

Today at mass, Fr. Charlie's homily really spoke to me. For starters, he talked a lot about loss of faith, which I can definitely relate to at the moment. I feel like the lost sheep in Luke, waiting to be found out in the desert. And not just because I've lost faith in the path I'm on, but in people, too. Even myself. But that's where daily bread comes in, which not only comes in the form of the Eucharist, but everything in life that helps and encourages us. In some ways, daily bread is "who we are and who we're called to be."

Life's a journey, and our daily bread is the spiritual food for the journey, that which nourishes and heals and inspires us. For me, that's been the Eucharist, but also the people in my life who have been there for me and the situations that have brought joy back into my heart. Fr. Charlie mentioned Mark 2:17, where Jesus says, "Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners," saying that he believed the Eucharist was for everyone who needs healing.

The readings themselves caught my attention, too, having rather Buddhist ideas/parallels. In the second reading from Ephesians, Paul tells the Ephesians (and us), "that you should put away the old self of your former way of life, corrupted through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created in God’s way in righteousness and holiness of truth." And in the gospel reading from John, Jesus speaks of a non-perishable kind of bread that "endures for eternal life."

The former, I think, corresponds to the teachings on anatta, where the 'old self' refers to one not well-versed in the teachings of the noble ones, and the 'new self' refers to one firmly on the path. The latter, on the other hand, reminds me of the teachings on nutriment and the feeding habits of the mind/body. The only difference is that Jesus uses the imagery of "food that endures for eternal life," while Buddhism uses the imagery of a mind that no longer has to feed; but I think they're both pointing in the same direction.

At the moment, though, all of that's far beyond me. I'm still struggling with the grief and the sadness and the emptiness I feel. I'm still trying to find the light at the end of this dark tunnel. But I've made arrangements to stay at Our Lady of Guadalupe for six days in the hopes that maybe some time in prayer and solitude in such a wonderful place will help me heal and discover the path that God had laid out before me.