8/28/15

I met up with Fr. Michael for breakfast today before going to the noon mass. It was nice. We went to Tom's this time. We talked about everything from my exchange with Chris to my affinity for St. Augustine despite some of the issues I have with his influence on theology and Church doctrine, especially his concept of original sin and negative views of sex. Nevertheless, he has a special place in my heart, and I've always been drawn towards him, perhaps in part because I see in him a fellow seeker of truth.

A year ago today, I was in Boston for a wedding, and I went to morning mass at Our Lady of Victories. I remember how much I wanted to take communion on St. Augustine's feast day. I didn't, of course, because I wanted to wait until the Easter Vigil, seeing the RCIA process through to the end. As called as I was to the altar that day, I respected the traditions of initiation, and I knew I wasn't really ready. But I never forgot that feeling. So today, I made it a point to go to mass, in honour of St. Augustine.

They didn't have a lector, so they asked me to do it. It was my first time, and I was extremely nervous; but I don't think I did too badly of a job. Fr. Bill was the presider. Jean from B- was there, too. (In fact, I think she's the one who nominated me to do the readings.) I read a section of Paul's letter to the Thessalonians and the responsorial Psalm. The gospel reading was from Matthew, the parable of the ten virgins, one of my least favourite. After mass, Fr. Bill said that we should get together for coffee or something before I go back to work, and we're scheduled to meet on 9/11 at 9am. I also asked to borrow Garry Wills' short biography of St. Augustine that I started reading before mass.

Later, I decided to go to St. Mary's Cathedral for the 5:30pm mass since I was meeting up with some friends downtown. During the homily, the priest mentioned that the oil in the parable is a metaphor for good deeds, and the message is 'never tire of doing good.' And in that sense, one can see why the five with oil for their lamps couldn't just simply share the oil they had, why they had to go out and get their own oil from the merchants.

After mass, I walked over to my friend's place for a little get-together, which was fun. They made pizza, and let me try their 18yr old scotch. Not long after I got there, Fr. Michael sent me a link to an interesting article, "Heathens against hate: Exclusive interview with the high priest of the Icelandic Pagan Association," saying, "I liked this article on so many levels. There is no sanctuary from narrow-minded fundamentalists." He joked, "Just don't tell Chris I'm trying to turn you into a heathen"; and I mentioned that I was actually a practicing 'heathen' for a number of years, crediting it for a lot of my open-mindedness and tolerance.

At one point in our conversation, Fr. Michael said that he didn't believe in coincidences, and I responded: "Yeah. It's hard not to see the patterns the threads of our lives weave. That's why I've always been fond of the Stoic idea of logos, which itself is akin to the pagan idea of fate and the movement of the Holy Spirit throughout the fabric of history." He seemed to appreciate the sentiment.

I'm still having trouble writing. Every word seems to be forced these days, like I'm writing more out of obligation than anything else. I wonder how long that'll last.

8/27/15

It's been a busy and somewhat challenging week. It seems like every time I try to sit down and write about it, something gets in the way. Either that, or when I do have the time I don't have the motivation, which I think is partially due to the loss of my mom. I still don't feel like myself. This week has had a few notable events, though, that I think are worth mentioning. Sunday marked my one-year anniversary of going to St. Philip. Fr. Charlie was the celebrant this time, as he was then. His homily, like the first and last readings, was about decisions. Reflecting on my life, I decided that I can truly say I'm a disciple of Jesus.

Monday, I went to the blessing of the Lummi Nation's Shared Responsibilities totem pole, which was held at St. Philip. The event was meant to raise awareness about environmental issues as much as it was to cultivate a sense of community among everyone concerned about the health of our planet and strengthen resistance to the extraction, transportation, and consumption of fossil fuels. Great turnout, and a lot of good speakers. The mood was hopeful, but the message was a sober one: climate change is something that affects all of us, and a collective response to it is imperative.

During the week, I also thought a lot about religion and spirituality in general, coming up with ideas like:

• For me, religion offers an expression of mystery and wonder, a framework of morality built on the principle of harmlessness, an inclusive sense of community, and an exploration of what it means to be human through loving and treating others as yourself, whomever they may be. 
• Kamma: What we call morality is a way of expressing this type of psychological, causal determinism and our attempts to maximize our experience of pleasure and happiness and minimize our experience of pain and suffering.
• The danger of religion is in the human proclivity to cling and to make our views into part of our identity that we must then defend from criticism instead of allowing them to enhance and enrich our lives.
• Consciousness is an incredible phenomenon. Think about it. The universe created, through evolution, beings who can be conscious of itself. It's kind of amazing when you think about it from that perspective. Even scientists like Sam Harris are forced to admit its mysteriousness.
• Just as there are physical spectrums that we can't normally detect without assistance (waves of light and colour, frequencies of sounds, etc.), I believe there are similar spectrums of consciousness, which we can explore with the help of contemplation and meditation.

Wednesday and Thursday, I had a rather surprising online argument with a friend from church. I posted about the recent firing of Lauren Brown, who was let go because of her sexual orientation, writing on Facebook:

A "diverse community" with a "dedication to social justice" my ass. I'm not sure what bothers me more, the discrimination or the school's attempts to cover it up. Frankly, this is the kind of thing that makes me embarrassed to have religious and spiritual interests. I don't want to be associated with such people.

Why do religious people, especially those in positions of authority, always seem to cling to the worst aspects of religion and throw away all the good? Before I took the time to read the gospels, I used to think that Jesus must have been a horrible person based on what many Christians do and believe. But I think anyone who's taken the time to read them should realize that what they offer is an expression of mystery and wonder, a framework of morality built on the principle of harmlessness, an inclusive sense of community, and an exploration of what it means to be human through loving and treating your neighbour as yourself, whomever they may be, not a program for religious legalism and discrimination.

I wonder when, if ever, these people will realize that this kind of approach is poisonous and does exactly the opposite of what Jesus was trying to teach the dogmatists of his own time.

That post obviously hit a nerve with Chris, a person from my parish who's pretty left-leaning when it comes to almost everything else, and who responded in a way I found surprising, instigating a rather intense exchange:

Chris: I don't know who your source is, Jason but there is a post from the Archdiocese that seems to be stating that they're being misrepresented by the media, which seems unlikely because the media is typically so fair and accurate when reporting on the Catholic Church (<------thinly veiled sarcasm). I'd get the whole story before issuing a Fatwah. Another thing to consider, the church's teaching on sexuality isn't exactly a secret. If one who has same sex attraction is employed by the Church especially if it's in the capacity as a potential role model for youth they should take that into account when they apply.

Me: Well, my main source is the article from the Willamette Week, including the separation agreement itself, which makes it pretty clear that 1) Brown was fired because of her sexual orientation and not something like poor performance or improper conduct and 2) they wanted her to keep quiet about it. I'm not sure what you mean when you say that the Archdiocese is being misrepresented by the media, unless you mean the suggestion by some that the Archdiocese played a role in her firing, which this article doesn't suggest.

As for the rest, I don't think expressing my opinion is equivalent to issuing a fatwah (I'm not sure if this is a jab at me or Islam or both, but I don't appreciate it either way); but I will say that I understand the Catholic Church's stance on same-sex marriage and sexual relationships and I completely disagree with it. I think it's not only discriminatory, but it's based on 3,000 year-old tribal social norms and an outdated understanding of nature and the spectrum of human sexuality. I think our understanding of these things has advanced a great deal in the last few millennia, and the Church's position should, too (just as it did with things like the acceptance of evolution).

What I find the most disturbing, though, is the last sentence: "If one who has same sex attraction is employed by the Church especially if it's in the capacity as a potential role model for youth they should take that into account when they apply." To me, this implies that someone who's gay at this school (or any other Catholic-run institution) is a poor role model for the simple fact they're gay. Nothing could be further from the truth, in my opinion. We need intelligent and diverse role models, especially in the LGBTQ community, so that LGBTQ kids can grow up with a healthy sense of self-esteem rather than being made to feel like there's something wrong with them.

Is it really so inconceivable that the Church could be wrong about this? Who knows, maybe the Holy Spirit made her apply for this very reason, to be a role model and help further the Church's transformation into the proverbial 'kingdom of heaven,' one that doesn't exclude people out of misguided bigotry and prejudice.

Chris: All I'm trying to say is that out of love for Mother Church we don't jump to conclusions thinking that we can judge what is in the hearts of our brothers & sisters at St Mary's academy. I didn't mean the Fatwah thing as a jab against you, Jason. I think you're disastrously wrong on the church's teaching regarding sexuality & I suspect Father Michael's influence is the culprit. The Church has been around for two millennia, close to five times as long as our nation has been a Republic. The church thrived under mortal persecution for close to twice as long as our nation had been a Republic, a persecution which started less than a generation after the term "Christian" came into being. And despite numerous other heresies the church exists today not much different from when she started save sheer numbers. So I know that fiddling with the church's teachings is above my pay grade. If you haven't read Theology of the Body, you may want to before passing judgment. There are waaaayyyy smarter people than me at the Vatican who do nothing but think, consult scripture, and pray on these matters and they are not going to try to conform God's law to the world.

Me: Hmm, I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start by saying that my views are independent of any single person or institution. The culprit is my experience and my commitment to equality, which I know in my heart to be right. I don't need any sort of institutional authority to tell me that this kind of discrimination is wrong. I know it's wrong with every fiber of my being. You speak about persecution, well, that's exactly what the dogma of the Church is doing to the LGBTQ community, persecuting them for being who they are out of tradition. And despite what you and the hierarchy of the Catholic Church may think in this instance, I don't believe that to be God's law for one moment; rather, I think it's the small-minded prejudice of people who fail to see how misguided and hurtful they're being.

Chris: God is unchanging. He is perfect love. His law is a gift for us so that we can have ABUNDANT life! He is not trying to restrict us but is letting us know what we need to do to reach the narrow path of salvation. If we were to follow the pagans or the secularists what is the point of Him gifting us the Church?

Me: I know from experience that nothing I can say will likely change the mind of someone who thinks their ideas are infallible. With God on your side, how can you be wrong? But I'd like to suggest a question for reflection: what are the [natural] laws of God and what are the [constructed] laws of people? This is a question I think worth repeatedly asking ourselves. I've reflected on this question (or similar versions thereof) a lot myself. When they're the same, I think we're on the right track. When they're not, I think we have work to do. In this case, I think we have historically misunderstood the nature of things, thinking certain things are wrong or unnatural out of tradition and prejudice. I think that we, historically, have been wrong about this issue, and that this misunderstanding on our part is slowly being corrected. I believe that a morality based on harmlessness is a form of morality more closely in line with the 'laws of God'; and as such, I think that the way we've historically treated LGBTQ people has been nothing but harmful. That needs to change, in my opinion, sooner rather than later.

Chris: Interesting that you would use the term "natural law". Historically I can think of no society with the exception being in the last 20 or so years that recognized life-long homosexual unions. I believe the Church defends its position on such unions from the standpoint of natural law. As far as harmlessness, I couldn't consider any behavior that would separate a person eternally from his Creator as "harmless". Apparently there is to be a synod of the family scheduled for October. I would think that if the Holy Spirit wanted us to radically redefine what we would consider to be a family that might be an ideal time. I will gladly re-assess my position should the Holy Spirit reveal truths contrary to what I've understood them to be to this time. I guess my question for you is, are you willing to accept the truths of Holy Mother Church if they challenge the world's?

Me: You're right. Historically, there weren't many modern societies that legally recognized same-sex unions on a national scale until recently. But that, I would argue, is due more to human prejudice than any sort of natural law. A look at history will show that many societies did accept same-sex unions at one time or another, as well as evincing more nuanced understandings of gender (e.g., some accepting the existence of a 'third gender').

One argument that was used to support this was that of natural law, which was due to two primary misunderstandings: 1) the idea of sex being solely about procreation and 2) same-sex sexual relationships were not 'natural.' Based on these two assumptions, one can argue that same-sex relationships are abnormal or unnatural, but I think they're both equally as false. Sex isn't just about procreation; it's also about pleasure and creating intimate bonds. And we've since come to learn from our studies of nature that same-sex sexual relationships are quite common among mammals, especially primates. Moreover, the study of human sexuality has revealed, I think, that people who are attracted to the same sex are just as normal and psychologically healthy as those who find themselves attracted to the opposite sex.

Things are finally changing now not because of some kind of evil pagan or secular plot against the Church, but because of a better understanding of the diversity of human experience. You may buy the official party line that being in a same-sex relationship somehow separates one from God, but I don't. And I never have. I think this belief is the product of tradition and prejudice, not any sort of divine providence. Ask yourself this: If what you believe is true, why is that the majority of countries that have recognized same-sex unions happen to be predominantly Catholic?

Chris: I'm curious as to how you came to your understanding of the purposes for sex. Do you believe that man can arbitrarily decide these purposes? Is this based on an understanding of biology? You seemed to indicate that natural law could help one determine the morality of same-sex marriage but when I pointed out that natural law did not support same-sex marriage but instead upheld the Church's notion of one man and one woman marriage you wrote it off as prejudice. Is there a chance that maybe your position is incorrect? I would urge you to read Theology of the Body. It isn't about hatred or discrimination it's about living our best versions of ourselves.

Me: If you're gay, I really don't see how marrying someone of the opposite sex or forcing yourself into celibacy is going to help you live out the best version of yourself. Not a single gay person I know thinks that denying their sexuality is healthy or good for them; and those who have tried by fitting in with hetero social norms ended up in bad psychological shape until they were able to 1) admit they were gay and 2) allowed themselves to live life as a gay person. I think the whole idea of 'be straight or be single/celibate' is absurd and unhealthy. My position may be incorrect, but I doubt it. And to be honest, I don't want to debate this with you anymore. Your instance at coming onto my FB and trying to incessantly argue your ideas about sexual morality is starting to upset me. I get that you're against same-sex relationships. I'm not. Please accept that.

I suppose that, deep down, I knew I'd have to confront these kinds of ideas and people at some point. My commitment to equality simply won't allow me to keep silent about things like this, and I recall being afraid of entering the Church because of it. In November, for example, while in the midst of St. Philip's RCIA program, I wrote:

There's a lot about Catholicism that I find appealing, especially the contemplative aspects and the spiritual nourishment I've been receiving at St. Philip. However, I disagree with the Church's positions on things like women priests, married clergy, same-sex marriage, birth control, etc., which gives me pause. I feel strongly about equality, and in turn, my image of God is a God of love and equality, so it's hard to accept people in positions of authority saying women shouldn't be priests, gay relationships are sinful and same-sex marriage should be illegal, etc. And admitting all of that, I wonder if there's a place for me in the Church as an institution. I don't want to be excommunicated as soon as I'm confirmed.

Even though I've found a spiritual home and refuge in St. Philip, this exchange has reminded me that, in many ways, I'm still very much an outsider. When it comes to my friends, who are mostly atheist or practitioners of non-Christian religious traditions, I'm a bit of an anomaly being a practicing Catholic. And among my Catholic brothers and sisters who hold firmly to all the Church's teachings, I'm equally anomalous. Sometimes, I feel like I don't truly fit in anywhere. I'm not going to let that deter me from following the spiritual path I'm on, but it does make it a lonely journey sometimes.

8/19/15

One of the things I really like about Fr. Michael is his approach to spirituality, which is open, inclusive, and contains a healthy mix of both contemplation and action. I especially like how he tries to encourage everyone to incorporate what Paul Knitter calls the sacrament of silence into their prayer life. Much of today's B- meeting was about that.

I sense that some of the older people find it an interesting topic to discuss, but a difficult one to relate to. Their experience of Catholicism, and spirituality in general, has largely been in the form of memorization (e.g., catechism, prayers, etc.) and having the right beliefs/ideas, with the hierarchy of the church shaping and defining each. The downside of this approach, of course, is that it tends to become exclusive of other people, ideas, and traditions that fall outside of this; and it often neglects the importance of contemplation and inner experiences. But prayer is more than simply repeating "Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name..." or "Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee..." Prayer must be transformative; and to do that, we have to deepen our prayer life, make it a contemplative act rather than a repetitive one.

One problem that was mentioned is our growing desire for instant gratification. Our culture is increasingly conditioning us to want immediate responses. When we send out a text or email, we expect an immediate reply, or else we get annoyed. When we order something from Amazon (which treats their workers rather harshly to make it happen), we expect it the next day. When we pray, we often pray quickly and expect a quick answer/resolution. And that makes it increasingly difficult for us to have the patience to step back and cultivate true inner silence, which is helpful for both cleansing our minds and developing the inner stillness in which we can connect with God. We also need to learn to do what we pray, to become agents of healing, agents of reconciliation, agents of charity, etc.

Prayer should change us; and oftentimes, the answer to our prayers come through the things we do/get into. As Fr. Michael likes to say, quoting the late Fr. Nouwen, "You don't think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking." And one way of doing that is to get into the habit of doing what we pray, living it until it naturally becomes a part of who we are. And on a deeper level, we should get into the habit of setting aside some quiet time for meditation and contemplation. At the beginning, it may not be enjoyable or seem all that useful; but over time, the internal silence that we cultivate will become holy and sacred, a sacrament unto itself.

This is something that both Richard Rohr and Paul Knitter, two inspirations of mine, talk about a lot. And I'm glad that Fr. Michael does, too. It's not only one of the things that drew me towards the B- group and St. Philip, but towards Catholicism itself. Speaking of which, today happens to mark my one-year anniversary of going to B-, which Dorothy initially invited me to. I'm really grateful for this community, and I'm so happy that I found it.

six days at our lady

My journal entries from my recent six-day stay at Our Lady of Guadalupe, a Trappist monastery near Lafayette, Oregon, on retreat. My previous stay a year ago sparked my interest in exploring Christian monasticism and contemplative spirituality, which I've since incorporated into my own spiritual practices. I've always been drawn towards more spiritual, contemplative ways of life; and I'd been meaning to come back for some time. After a difficult month of trying to cope with my mom's death, I decided that some time in meditation and solitude might be a good thing, and they just happened to have an open space. For reference, the daily schedule was as follows:

Monday – Saturday

4:15 a.m. Vigils - Angelus
4:50 a.m. - 5:15 a.m. Mediation in Bethany House
6:00 a.m. - 6:25 a.m. Mediation in Bethany House
6:30 a.m. Lauds – Community Mass (followed by breakfast)
12:30 p.m. Day Hour – Angelus
12:50 p.m. Dinner
5:30 p.m. Vespers
6:00 p.m. - 6:25 p.m. Mediation in Bethany House
6:00 p.m. Supper (available until 6:45 p.m.)
7:30 p.m. Compline - Angelus

Sundays and Feast Days

4:15 a.m. Vigils - Angelus
6:45 a.m. - 7:10 a.m. Mediation in Bethany House
7:15 a.m. Lauds (followed by breakfast)
9:15 a.m. Community Mass
12:30 p.m. Day Hour – Angelus
12:50 p.m. Dinner
5:30 p.m. Vespers
6:00 p.m. - 6:25 p.m. Mediation in Bethany House
6:00 p.m. Supper (available until 6:45 p.m.)
7:30 p.m. Compline - Angelus


8/10/15

I awoke to a bright, blue sky, much like on the day of my first visit to Our Lady of Guadalupe; and started the day with Mass at Lady of the Lake after being dropped off in downtown Lake Oswego. The church was spacious and reminded somewhat of the chapel at Our Lady, mostly because of all the wood, I think. It's the feast day of St. Lawrence, who, the story goes, was put to death for angering a Roman prefect by promising to give him all the treasures of the church, except he didn't offer gold or silver, which he'd given all to the poor after Pope Sixtus was executed by the Emperor, but the poor supported by the church themselves, which he'd lined up in rows when the prefect came to collect his 'treasures'; and who tradition holds quipped on the pyre something to the effect of, "Turn me over, this side's done." A wise-ass until the end.

I spent the rest of the day reading at Rossman Park as I waited for Annie to get off work so that she could drive me to Our Lady, some guilty pleasure reading like Thanos Vol. 2: Infinity Abyss and Thanos Vol. 3: Marvel Universe: The End, as well as some more spiritual stuff. I was originally going to bring Kathleen Norris' The Cloister Walk, but I ended up taking Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality by Richard Rohr instead, which I got the day before at the parish book sale. It just seemed like the right book to take.

I arrived at the monastery at about 6pm, just in time for supper (just ate some fruit, a nectarine and some apricots, I think), and quickly settled in. This time, I was put in A-2, which has a nice view of the smaller of the two man-made ponds. I was also pleasantly surprised to see (and be staying with) the same man from my previous visit, Jeff, a professor at the University of Portland, as well as a lady named Carol Dempsey, who was one of Barbara's biblical studies professors for her master's program at U of P. After supper, I sat by the pond for a while, thinking about why I was there and what I wanted to get out of my visit: to see Br. Chris and the other monks again; freedom from distractions to think and heal; inspiration; a reinvigoration of my spiritual practice and a deeper connection with the 'God of the mystics,' as Karen Armstrong calls it; just to name a few.

At 7:15pm, I went into the chapel for Compline. My heart instantly gladdened when I saw the monks (and a couple new novices) begin to wander in; and as soon as they began to sing, I was immediately transported back to my first day here, filled with the same feelings of peace and happiness I experienced then. It felt good to be back; and familiar, too, almost like I'd never left. Now I'm retiring to my room to try and sleep despite the excitement and coffee I foolishly drank during supper. Maybe the sound of the water from my window will help lull me to sleep.


8/11/15

Awoke at 3:50am for Vigils, which welcomes the coming dawn of a new day. Physically tired from a restless night's sleep yet mentally refreshed just by the fact of being here, I sat in the dark, waiting for the monks to begin the first office of the day. Likely because it was her feast day, there was a reading from the same biography of St. Francis that I'm reading about St. Clare, one of Francis of Assisi's most devoted disciples and, at the same time, one of his greatest sources of comfort and inspiration. As I sat there, listening to the Psalms being sung, I thought about my inner conflict between the pull of monasticism and the joys of the life I'm currently living. Over the last year, the pull of monastic life hasn't diminished, nor has it increased, leaving me feeling just as torn as ever. It made me wonder if I'll ever feel strongly enough to make a decision one way or the other.

I joined some of the monks in meditation before Lauds, just as the sun began to peak through the trees that surround the monastery. But my mind wasn't at peace, and it wandered incessantly. At 6:25am, the bells were rung calling everyone to Lauds. I hurried to the chapel as fast as I could with a foot that had fallen asleep, and I ran into Br. Chris on the way in. He asked if I'd be free Wednesday at 11am to meet and talk, and I said yes. Lauds segued into Mass, and my first time joining in communion at Our Lady was on the feast day of St. Clare of Assisi, who herself is an inspiration to me. Like St. Francis, her life was lived in love of poverty (i.e., renunciation). By joyfully giving up all that she had in the world, she made room in her heart for all of creation, sharing Francis of Assisi's unpretentious humility, boundless compassion, and love of all sentient beings–things I deeply admire about her. She was also the first woman to write a rule for her own religious community.

It's hard to describe how I felt then, and as I often do during communion. I'd be equally pressed to explain precisely what it means to me. The closest I can come is to say that, to me, communion is an important and relevant symbol. It connects me to something greater than myself, as well as to the people around me, a sacrament of relationship, if you will. On a good day, it focuses my very being, like a form of meditation; and for a short moment, I'm wholly present to myself while also conscious of my intimate connection with others (or seeing that I'm "a little strand in a much larger tapestry," as Richard Rohr would say). Above all, it's an emotive and unifying experience, a mandala of a deeper reality.

After Mass, I ate breakfast in silence with the other retreatants (granola cereal), and then went for a leisurely stroll. As I was walking past the smaller of the two ponds, I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye and was surprised to see a large hawk, which had just landed near its bank. I stood and watched as it cautiously stepped into the water, possibly for a drink or a bite to eat, and cursed myself for not having my camera on me. It was an amazing sight, and I couldn't help but think of St. Clare and her love of animals. Shortly afterwards, it disappeared back into the trees, and I spent the majority of the rest of the morning reading by the pond and contemplating life.

I took a short nap before Day Hour, and then ate dinner with the other retreatants, again in silence (veggie pizza, zucchini, beans, blueberries, and apricots). When I was finished eating, I decided to hike up to the shire of Our Lady. The last time I tried, I got pretty lost trying to follow the map; but this time, I decided to trust my intuition. And as I was winded my way down whatever trail I found myself, I started asking myself questions like, "What is God? Where is God? How can I connect with God?” And like some kind of Socratic dialogue, I'd answer myself, "They say 'God is love' (1 John 4:8); that God is 'over all and through all and in all' (Eph 4:6); and that the whole of the law of God is fulfilled in keeping one commandment: 'Love your neighbor as yourself' (Gal 5:14). If God is love, then it's through love that God can be known—like Knitter says in Without Buddha I Could not be a Christian, 'we exist through relationships of knowing and loving and giving because that's how God exists' (18). God is here, now, always present in the present."

Nearer to the top, I started thinking about faith and trust. What does it mean to trust, to have faith in God? And I thought:

In a way, to trust in God is to trust in ourselves. God isn't something separate from us. That's why the mystics always point us inside. God is within. God is like a compass in our hearts, reflecting what we call our intuition, our conscience (I'm thinking here especially of Jer 31:33-34). When we trust in ourselves, we also trust in God; when we doubt ourselves, we also doubt God. Like Adam and Eve after eating from the proverbial tree of knowledge, going from simplicity of being to the complexity of self-consciousness, we tend to overthink things and become alienated, unreceptive; we see ourselves as independent, separate 'selves' divorced from InterBeing. We become lost within ourselves, disconnected; and when that happens, we become afraid. And when we're guided by fear, we're no longer capable of trusting in anything. So, we must learn to find ourselves again by returning to simplicity, to regain our trust in ourselves and others, like Jesus in the desert.

Perhaps that's also part of what Jesus meant in today's reading when, after being asked who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, he called over a child and said:

Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me. (Mt 18:1-5)

Perhaps he picked the example of a child because children are, more often than not, free from malice and cynicism, with a receptive mind hungry for knowledge and willing to give their trust more freely. The more we doubt ourselves and over-analyze things, the more we stumble and lose faith in ourselves (perpetual second-guessing). So, to become like a child, one must return to a state of trusting in one's self and that which guides us.'

It seemed insightful at the time, anyway.

Not long after, I made it to the shrine and admired the nice view. When I reached the shrine, however, my phone was able to get a signal and I received a text message from Annie saying that her father had suffered a heart attack. I tried to call her, but there was no answer, so I sat and prayed at the shrine for her dad and my mom, who's never far from my thoughts. It was the only thing I could think to do. I eventually got through, though, and we talked for a few minutes. Her mom said that it happened around 4am, that they put a stent in and think he may get out of ICU tomorrow, although he'll probably have to stay a couple more days after that. She sounded worried, and understandably so. I told her that I'd hike up to the shrine each day to check my phone and give her a call, and that if she needed me right away, she could call the guest house or come get me if need be.

After that, the rest of the day was kind of a blur. I went to Vespers (where I finally figured out how to follow along with the monks using the books kept in the back of the church) and meditation after that, then ate supper with everyone (veggie pizza, zucchini, beans, blueberries, apricots, and ice cream). One thing I recall during supper was Carol talking about an article she'd written that's going to be published soon on the importance of wilderness in the Bible and how that connects to things today like the role forests can play in combating climate change, intermingling spirituality with ecology. It made me think of the importance of wilderness in the Pali Canon, as well as to the Thai Forest tradition, and how much of Thailand has now been deforested, with many of the few remaining forested areas left being on monastery property.

Compline was an oasis from my sadness and anxiety, though. The hymns and rhythms of Compline always seem to help to ease my troubled mind. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight.


8/12/15

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep very well again. Maybe it's the bed. Or the heat. Or maybe it's because I had too much on my mind last night. Whatever the case, it felt like I'd just fallen asleep when my alarm went off for Vigils. After Vigils, I sat in meditation with only one other monk. It was kind of nice being the only two people there. At 6:00am, I sat again with everyone before Lauds and Mass. Today's gospel reading was from Matthew, where Jesus teaches what are called 'the beatitudes' at the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the land.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst
for righteousness,
for they will be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for
the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you [falsely] because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven. Thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Mt 5:1-12)

I really like the Sermon on the Mount, and see it as the culmination of a dialectical, spiritual/moral evolution I think can be seen throughout the Bible, a book that's described by Rene Girard via Richard Rohr as "a text of travail" that "edges forward and sometimes backward" (11). During Jesus' time, for example, many were waiting for a warrior king in the line of David who'd lead them out of oppression through strength and might and military genius. But here we have the much-anticipated 'messiah' preaching the importance of right action and harmlessness (both integral parts of the Buddha's noble eightfold path), especially forgiveness and righteous (skillful) deeds, rather than shouting battle cries. And within these teachings, I see a call to contemplation ("Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God"), as well as a call to be kind, compassionate, and trustworthy people.

I left the chapel feeling uplifted, the peaceful atmosphere of the monastery like a seed taking root in my heart and mind. I ate breakfast (granola cereal), wrote a bit, and then read until it was time to meet with Br. Chris. We met in front of the chapel, and then sat by the pond to talk. He asked about how I was doing and how my retreat was going. I told him about my mom and how her death has been hard for me to deal with. He told me that his mom also passed away recently, at the beginning of July. We talked a lot about our families for a while, both the good and the bad, and then moved on to other things, like how my experience with Catholicism was going and if I'd had any trouble mixing that with Buddhism. I told him no, that I've found a lot of commonalities, mentioning Without the Buddha I Could not be a Christian, which didn't seem to surprise him; but he did seem surprised when I said that I still consider myself a Buddhist. I guess he hasn't met many 'double-belongers.'

He asked more about my stay, if it was helping with things, and wanted to know if I still thought about being a monk. I told him that the rhythm of the monastery and the solitude were both helpful so far and that I was enjoying my time here even though it was partially tragic circumstances that brought me. I also told him that I felt the same about being a monk as I did my last visit — still torn between wanting to live a monastic life and living in the world — and that I'd still like to participate in their month-long monastic life retreat one day, possibly sometime next year. I said, half-jokingly, that it's hard to know what direction in life you're being called to when everything seems to call to you.

We talked for at least an hour, until the bells for Day Hour interrupted us and we both headed to the chapel. Afterwards, I ate dinner, (grilled cheese, watermelon, some veggies, and lentil soup), and then hiked up to the shrine to check my phone. I didn't get a hold of Annie, but I got a text saying that she talked to her dad and that he was doing well and out of ICU, which is definitely a relief. I hiked back down to the monastery, tired but feeling good, partly because of the good news and the exercise, but also from talking to Br. Chris, I think. I freshened up for Vespers, which I enjoyed; although I had mixed feelings about parts of Psalm 136 (135 in their translation), which talks a lot about God smiting nations and kings for Israel because "his love endures forever." Unfortunately, the Psalms make up the majority of the offices, and many were written when the people of Israel were constantly at war with their neighbours, fighting for territory, and animal sacrifices were still a thing. In some ways, it's good to see this contrast between beautiful and benevolent verses and ones of violence and animosity, reminding us of how our beliefs can be twisted to justify any evil; but it's somewhat jarring when they're all being beautifully sung in such a peaceful setting. They just seem so out of place to me.

After Vespers, I sat in meditation and then ate supper (grilled cheese, veggies, lentil soup, and ice cream). I think I overdid it a bit, though, and felt gross during Compline. Gluttony definitely got the better of me this time. I really enjoyed singing along during Compline, though. It really is a pleasant way to end each night. Maybe I'll even get a decent night's sleep. Third time's a charm, right?


8/13/15

My alarm woke me from a fairly vivid yet innocuous dream. I slept well enough, but not nearly long enough. My eyes had trouble focusing on the words in the dim light during Vigils. Still, there isn't a better way to start the day. You enter a dark, spacious church well before dawn, when the world is as quiet and as peaceful as it gets, the only sounds coming from the nearby pond, and take a seat. Many of the monks are already there, sitting or standing, lost deep in thought or prayer (or maybe sleeping). You sit, collecting your thoughts. Then the office starts, with its particular set of prayers, antiphons, Psalms, and readings for the day, everything flowing like a gentle wave. It's serene, but also uplifting.

One of the readings for today was from a book by Thomas Merton on the necessity of solitude for a contemplative life. But he also writes that being alone simply because you like being alone isn't the point and won't lead to the kind of knowledge and love a contemplative life seeks to develop. And the way he speaks about the love of God and the commandment to love God with all your heart reminds me of both eros in the Symposium and Sariputta's simile of the elephant footprint in MN 28–each suggesting that, through contemplation and a form of selflessness, we may eventually apprehend a greater whole through its parts, whether it be God, the form of the good, or nibbana, the culmination of the eightfold path. (From the Buddhist POV, I think he's talking about right resolve and right concentration.) It's not about escaping; it's about deepening the connection. To quote the 4th century monk Evagrius, "He is a true monk who is separated from all and united to all."

After Vigils, which lasted a little longer than usual, I went to sit in meditation. I was the only one there this time, and I felt anxious. My mind was firmly in thinking and planning mode. I only sat for a short while due to that and the fact that there was another sitting less than an hour away, before Lauds. At 6am, I went back, and my mind was still busy coming up with really important things that I had to do or remember to write down. It was frustrating to say the least. The irony is that, everything I thought was so important that I couldn't put it aside for more than 25min, I completely forgot by the end of the sit, when the bells rang calling us to Lauds.

One of the few annoying yet funny things about this stay has been the poorly-timed sprinklers, which are always off when I enter the meditation hall for the 6am sit and always on by the time I leave, so that I get a baptism of sorts every morning on my way to Lauds. The monks have a special walkway from the chapel to the meditation hall, and I confess that I sometimes get mad that I can't use it, too.(lol)

Lauds always seems to go by quickly, even though it's about the same length as most of the other offices. Before I know it, all the monk-priests disappear to put on their vestments and then file out for the beginning of Mass. And I've also noticed that the more I immerse myself in the offices, the more I actively follow along, the less I remember about them afterwards, kind of like an experiential mandala that's lived in the moment and then wiped away from memory, inconstant yet still leaving an impression.

Mass itself is definitely the focal point of the liturgical day, and the one office where the monks truly interact with everyone else, where we all join in and participate together. I find that, when approaching it intellectually, it still doesn't make a lot of sense to me. But when I allow myself to become part of its living symbolism, I open myself up to the sense of community and unconditional love it's meant to foster and celebrate; and the act of eating and drinking the sacramental bread and wine becomes for me a way of both remembering and honouring Jesus as a spiritual teacher and the things he taught and a means of connecting to the cosmic ideal that the Eucharist embodies. As I wrote during my first visit, "it's a spiritual experience that speaks directly to our nature as social creatures," and it's a contemplative one, as well. As Richard Rohr puts it:

[Jesus] gave us something that he did not say we needed to "think about" or "agree upon," "look at" or even "worship," but he just said, "Do this!" It was an action, an audiovisual aid, a sacred ritual for a community, built on Jewish roots, that would summarize his whole lasting message for the world. (215)

For a long time, I couldn't appreciate that. But I find that it has meaning for me now, and I think I get what Jesus was pointing at.

After Mass, I had breakfast (granola cereal, piece of bread with peanut butter), and then attempted to write, but was so tired that I took a short nap. I had another rather vivid dream, with people from my previous dream showing up again. Dreams are strange things, and often windows into the thoughts and habits occupying our subconscious, I think. After I woke up, I sipped some coffee by the pond and thought for a while, but nothing worth noting. Then I joined everyone in the chapel for Day Hour, and ate dinner after that (kale, beans, potatoes and onions, and some kind of vegetable soup). I also grabbed an apple for the hike up to the shrine, where I found out that Annie's dad was released from the hospital today and seems to be doing ok (such good news!).

On my way back down, a line from Psalm 94 (Psalm 93 in their translation), which we chanted during Vigils, popped into my head: "Can he who made the ear, not ear? Can he who formed the eye, not see?" It kind of made sense to me in a weird way. I thought, "In a universe that gave shape to eyes and ears, couldn't it itself have its own set of eyes and ears?" And that reminded me of something I'd written back in May, exactly three months ago in fact (5/13/15):

I recently finished Karen Armstrong's A History of God (which I really enjoyed) and have started on Paul Knitter's Without Buddha I Could not be a Christian. On the way to work this morning, something Knitter wrote got my imagination going. On p. 17, he compares the Buddhist concept of inter-being and the non-duality of samsara and nirvana to Karl Rahner's description of "the supernatural existential," which Knitter summarizes as Rahner's claim that "our human condition is not just 'human' or purely natural because from the first moment of creation humanity is infused and animated by the grace of God's very presence. In other words, the 'Natural' is really the 'Supernatural!'"

As I was walking and reflecting on what that meant, it got me thinking of people like Isaac Newton, Spinoza, and the Faylasufs, who sought an understanding of God through the study of natural science, which in turn got me thinking about God and how modern scientific ideas about the world tend to have little room for a transcendent sort of consciousness (God?) that's "over all and through all and in all" (Eph 4:6).

Today, many scientists have a purely materialistic worldview, viewing all phenomena as being composed of matter, with consciousness being the result of material interactions. Consciousness, while not strictly material itself, is believed by many to be an emergent property of the brain and its various biochemical and physiological processes. Instead of an immaterial phenomenon, consciousness is seen as a network of sorts emerging from all these physical connections and interactions, and some recent studies do seem to support the idea that, as per one abstract, "awareness is associated with truly global changes in the brain's functional connectivity."

But what about Rahner's 'supernatural existential?' Or Knitter's idea that, "With the word 'God' we're trying to get at an activity that is going on everywhere rather than a Being that exists somewhere. God is much more an environment than a thing" (19-20)? I started thinking about the vastness of the universe, with its multitude of stars and galaxies and fundamental forces of nature, and found myself wondering if maybe the universe itself wasn't some kind of infinitely large, cosmic brain giving form to an infinitely reflective consciousness. Like the old hermetic saying "as above, so below," might the structure of the microcosm (human brain) be in accordance with the structure of the macrocosm (universe)?

Admittedly, it seems a little out-there; but after I got home and did a little googling, I was surprised to find that it may not be such a crazy idea after all. I stumbled onto one article from Live Science, for example, that opens with the line, "The universe may grow like a giant brain, according to a new computer simulation."

The article continues, "The results, published Nov.16 in the journal Nature's Scientific Reports, suggest that some undiscovered, fundamental laws may govern the growth of systems large and small, from the electrical firing between brain cells and growth of social networks to the expansion of galaxies," which brought to mind another line from the Emerald Tablet: "That which is below is like that which is above and that which is above is like that which is below to do the miracles of one only thing" (Isaac Newton trans.). Maybe we're made in God's image more than we realize.

I guess there's something about walking that really helps to jog my imagination.

I decided to read by the pond when I got back, and on the way, Satan came to greet me on the path in the form of a baby garter snake. He was quite adorable, and I chased him around a tree to get a quick pic. Reading Things Hidden, I came across two lines I rather liked: "You can only transform people to the degree that you have been transformed. You can only lead people as far as you yourself have gone" (44). It reminds me of what I think Paul Knitter is getting at when, quoting Thich Nhat Hanh, he says that "in order to make peace, you have to be peace."

The rest of the night was fairly routine, and seemed to go by rather fast–Vespers at 5:30pm, followed by meditation at 6pm (I found that watching the breath was easier if I focused near the bottom of my diaphragm this time), and then supper (some beans and soup from earlier, a piece of bread, and a little fruit). I had a little less than an hour of free time before Compline at 7:30pm, which I spent in my room. After Compline, I took a walk around the monastery grounds and watched what I could of the sunset as the sun sank below the tree line, debating whether or not I should try to stay up to see if I could catch any of the meteor showers.

After thinking about it some more, though, I've decided that it might be better to go to bed now and wake up early, hopefully catching some of it before Vigils.


8/14/15

Didn't get to see anything, unfortunately. It was too cloudy. But it was nice to just walk around in the tranquil stillness and listen to the owls before Vigils. After Vigils, I sat in meditation with Abbott Peter, who's been gone for a couple of days. It was a relatively good sit. But, at the same time, there were so many things I wanted to ask that it was hard not having a mental conversation with him. I've never actually talked to him, although I suppose I could if I really wanted to. Br. Chris is the only monk I've really talked with so far.

That's one thing I don't like as much about Catholic monasteries vs. Buddhist ones—the monks are a lot more segregated from the people who visit than they are at Buddhist monasteries, where there's a stronger connection to the laity since they're entirely dependent on them for alms (especially food). You see the monks a lot, of course, during offices and whatnot, but you rarely get a chance to interact with them unless you arrange a one-on-one meeting for spiritual direction or something like that. On the other hand, it's probably good for their practice not to have the constant distraction.

I sat again at 6am before Lauds. Not a great sit, not a bad sit. Was slightly drowsy from waking up so early, but I'm surprised I'm not in worse shape. I'm averaging about five or six hours of sleep per night, and I'm usually grumpy and/or a zombie if I get less than seven or eight. Lauds/Mass was especially beautiful today. Hard to place my finger on why. It just was.

Today is the feast day of Maximilian Kolbe, a Polish priest and Conventual Franciscan friar who was arrested and sent to Auschwitz, where he died after selflessly taking the place of another inmate sentenced to the starvation bunker. It's an incredible story.

After Mass, I went on an early hike since it looked like it might rain later. I ran into Maria, one of the other retreatants, at the shrine and we talked for a while. She's been coming here for 19 years, and lives past Seattle (Snohomish I think). She said it's about a five hour drive. She mentioned that Christmas here is amazing and that she's going to be here for it. She said if I have any days left (you get a limit of ten days a year), I should consider trying to make it. Annie will be in Virginia with her parents, and I don't think I can afford to go to Michigan this time, so I think I might.

She asked which way I'd come, and I told her the right/longer path. She told me that she just uses the left/shorter one these days because some of the trails on the other one are so overgrown. I told her about how I got lost my first time up here, and she said that some hikers got themselves so lost recently they had to call the sheriff to come find them. (They probably don't have T-Mobile, because I can't get a signal to save my life.) She also told me about some of the paths I hadn't taken yet, like the one that overlooks the vineyards and has a view of Mt. Hood, and the one called Fr. Crockett, which has an old bucket and aspergillum (wand used to sprinkle holy water) somewhere along it. I tried both, but ended up getting lost down the Fr. Crockett trail. Never did find the forest blessing station, but was too stubborn to turn around and just kept walking. (I think I get that from my mom.) Followed my intuition, though, and eventually ended up behind the cloister (where you're not really supposed to go if you're not a monk), near the wine warehouse. One of the older monks showed me the way back towards the guest houses, mentioning that they're going to be planting hazelnuts soon to help make up for the lost revenue since the book bindery isn't as busy anymore. At least I didn't have to have the sheriff come find me.

When I got back, I discovered that Jeff's room was empty, which made me sad because he was such a good roomie. He's quiet, and we never seem to get in each other's way. But at Day Hour, I saw him with a white robe on, sitting with the monks. At dinner (hard-boiled egg, piece of bread, half an avocado, and blueberries), I found out from Carol that he's contemplating life as a monk and started his three-month observership. After dinner, I went to relax in my room with a cup of coffee and Swami Prabhavananda's The Sermon on the Mount According to Vedanta, which does a good job of elucidating the deeper and more esoteric meaning of this set of teachings.

At about 3pm, it started to pour, and I was glad I decided to hike earlier. Then a loud crack of thunder startled the hell out of me. I'm not used to hearing that here, and it kind of took me by surprise. It sounded like it was right above me. Later, I laid down and listened to it rain for a while, and drifted off to sleep. Luckily, I was smart enough to set my alarm just in case, otherwise I probably would've slept right through Vespers, meditation, and supper.

I noticed at Vespers that half the monks had freshly shaven heads. I wonder if that's a monthly thing like it is in some Buddhist traditions, or if it's due to some special reason, like tomorrow's solemnity, the assumption of Mary. At meditation, I had a good sit after playing around with my new breathing technique and a new mantra. And at supper, I talked a bit with Maria and Carol. I learned that Carol is a Dominican sister (and from New Jersey, which I should have guessed by the accent); and that James, Barbara's husband, completed his masters in the same program at U of P as Barbara. (For supper, half a tofurky sausage, fries, and ice cream with blueberries.)

Compline was empyreal (I learned a new word!). Afterwards, I took a walk to the pond and watched two deer as they leisurely grazed in the distance before trotting off down Old Garden Road. Then I walked towards the main road and gazed at the last rays of sunset—a perfect end to a perfect day.


8/15/15

I awoke rather reluctantly this morning. As has been the case most of my stay, I didn't fall asleep until after 10pm, partly because I couldn't get comfortable and partly because I couldn't stop thinking and having mental conversations with myself. I don't remember everything I was thinking about, but a lot of it was reflecting on some of what I'd read earlier and trying to explain, to myself via an imaginary interlocutor, why my beliefs and spiritual practices are important to me. It went something along the lines of:

I don't go to church, meditate, or read spiritual books to debate or convert anyone. I respect everyone's beliefs or lack thereof. If you're an atheist and believe that science alone can uncover all there is to know about the universe and our experience of it, that's fine. It's a valid approach. Beauty and meaning can be found in life without spiritual beliefs and practices. My girlfriend's an atheist and we have no conflicts about it whatsoever. Rather, I do these things because I find meaning in them; because I have an intuitive sense of something more underlying reality and human experience, a unifying force or awareness or potentiality, and I'm interested in exploring that feeling, as well as the spiritual experiences and knowledge that I believe help point the way towards its realization. I see in them a reflection of a continuing evolution in our consciousness (collective and individual) and connection to the universe.

Buddhism and Christianity, for example, are icons of this evolution, evincing existential, psychological, and spiritual developments through the transformative focal points of their founders. Both the Buddha and Jesus were influenced by their cultures, which were characterized by religious and ethnic tribalism, and led by a priestly caste in charge of rituals and sacrifices meant to control and/or manipulate the mysterious forces of life, reflecting an early state of consciousness that I think can be found at the beginning of most early religions. There was certainly an awareness of interbeing and the larger whole, but it was trapped within a kind of group identity, making it exclusive rather than inclusive. And there was certainly a reverence for creation, but it was trapped within a kind of fear. But out of these seeds grew a new kind of consciousness that increasingly pulled people out of their tribalism and fearful worship of the unknown—a maturation that can be found within the religious texts of their time, but which are given fuller expression in the Buddha and Jesus' respective teachings. Each utilized their cultural and religious language, but infused them with new meaning and perspective.

In Things Hidden, for instance, Richard Rohr talks of a "development of crucial divine wisdom" and stages of consciousness found in both the Bible and our history (12-3). And I think the Pali Canon, along with the Vedas and Upanisads before it, show such a development, as well. If we look closely, we can see this spiritual dialectic in most, if not all, religions. We can see that these cultures and ancient texts were trying to give expression to, and find ways of connecting with, their collective sense of something greater underlying experience (God, truth, the absolute, ground of being, or whatever label you want to place on it) through myths and stories, symbols pointing towards a deeper level of truth and shared knowledge/experience, "a full-body knowing, a cellular knowing ... a transference and sharing of Being" (63-4).

In essence, they're exploring the mystery of consciousness, something that's notoriously hard, if not impossible, to objectify; and ultimately pointing towards what I believe to be a unitive and even psychologically-healing experience piercing the illusion of our dualistic way of thinking, the illusion of separation between subject and object, between the non-spiritual and the spiritual, between matter (body) and spirit (mind). These stories first and foremost attempt to illustrate that what we call God or awakening isn't something outside of us, something 'otherworldly'—it can be experienced right here, right now. The Pali Canon talks of "touching the deathless element with the body" (AN 6.46). Jesus says "the kingdom of God is among/within us (Luke 17:21); and Paul writes that "your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you" (1 Cor 6:19-20). Are they all delusional? Perhaps. Or perhaps they're talking about a shared reality/experience—a unifying awareness, a heightened state of consciousness, a glimpse through the veil of ignorance and into the absolute, a realization of the luminosity within us.

It sounds fanciful, I know; but the closer I come to this experience, the greater my faith in its reality grows. I know that many people have grasped these symbols too tightly, or else held them in the wrong way, so that they turn to bite them like the proverbial snake, creating fanatics and fundamentalists; and I share the concerns of others about them, and about those forcing others to agree with them. But that doesn't mean there isn't something of value here, that they haven't helped our progress as much as they've served to hinder it. Historically speaking, the religious and philosophical seekers of the time were often its best scientists. And science itself is just as easily capable of destroying whole cities as religion if held inappropriately. All I can say is that, if others want to walk with me on this journey, they're more than welcome. And if they don't, that's ok, too.

It sounded better in my head the night before, though.

Since it's the feast day of Mary's assumption into heaven, the day is a little different. On Sundays and solemnities, Vigils last longer, Lauds is moved from 6:30am to 7:15am (and meditation beforehand from 6am to 6:45am), Mass is moved from immediately after Lauds (around 7-7:15am) to 9:15am, and the bell-ringing before and after Vigils, Day Hour, and Compline is occasionally different.

Since the Psalms that are used for Vigils during solemnities aren't in the monastic office book guests use, I simply listened to the singing this morning. As one would expect, many of the hymns/antiphons were about Mary. I was so tired, though, that I decided to skip meditation and tried to nap for an hour before Lauds. I had another strange dream, this time with wolves.

After Lauds, I ate breakfast (granola cereal, as usual) and was thinking over some of the things from last night. One thing I remember, thanks in part to some notes that I took, was about how these kinds of unitive experiences are, or at least can be, psychologically healthy and even healing. For example, we (and religious traditions in general) often start with seeking forgiveness from outside of ourselves, from God (Other). But then we're eventually pointed within to heal our alienation and the split in our ego personified by the eating of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Jesus, for instance, says that the kingdom of God is within us; and Paul says things like the spirit of God dwells within the temple of our bodies, and that he no longer lives but Christ lives in him. The message, I think, is clear, 'God is within us.' So when we ask forgiveness for our sins (our unskillful actions conditioned by greed, aversion, and delusion in Buddhist terms) from God, we're really asking forgiveness from ourselves; and when God forgives us, it's ultimately we who are forgiving ourselves, emptying our heart of its burdens, like Christ emptying Hades of its inhabitants. In essence, we turn to, and then merge with, what Rohr calls the "Ultimate Constituting Other" (58), which is a good thing because then we can start to truly look within for things like healing, love, forgiveness, and validation.

And eventually, we can transcend even this stage once we see through the illusory dichotomy between subject and object, leaving behind a truly non-dual, unifying awareness. When we peel back the 'I am' and see with clarity the interconnectedness of all things, there is no Self and Other, there is neither 'I' nor 'you.' At that point, everyone we meet becomes us, becomes Christ, and loving our neighbour as our self will become effortless. As Rohr puts it, "It is not that if I am moral, then I will be loved by God, but rather I must first come to experience God's love, and then I will–almost naturally–be moral" (30). This unifying experience is a complete realignment of our awareness, our very being. Christ in that sense isn't so much a person as an ideal, a mystical experience...

That was more or less the train of thought I had at the time, anyway. And before I knew it, it was time for Mass. Mass is always so beautiful here, especially on solemnities and Sundays. I can't help but get completely absorbed in its devotional spirit. And this one even more so, with its devotion to the divine feminine in the form of Mary. I ate dinner quickly (mashed potatoes, peas, green beans, and salad), eager to take my daily hike to the shrine. On the way back, I composed an impromptu homily on Mary. The gist was:

There's a lot written about the theology of Mary, about the conception and birth of Jesus, and her bodily assumption into heaven. But I personally tend to avoid those kinds of things, finding it too easy to get lost within them and the 'thicket of views' that I create around them. Instead, I find it more useful to focus on the story of her life as a source of inspiration.

Mary is inspiring to me because, even at an early age, she seems to be a contemplative at heart and listens to God with complete trust. When God, or the voice inside of her, said, "This is the path that you're called to walk if you choose to follow it," she simply said yes. She heard God's call and answered, and part of that call was to be a mother.

As a mother, she raised her child with love and care and patience, possibly even in the midst of poverty and the scorn of those who thought her an adulterer (I leave speculations about the paternity of her son to you). She raised him so well, in fact, that we all know who he is, whether or not we believe in the story of his resurrection. And even though we don't hear much about her spiritual life from Jesus' disciples, I see in her a true contemplative, and suspect that a great deal of Jesus' wisdom came from her.

I aspire to be as wise and as selfless and as humble as Mary, to have the inner silence to hear God and answer yes, to know what is right and to do it, which is a lot harder than it sounds. Like being nice to someone who annoys me, for instance. I know that I should be kind and have love and compassion for everyone I meet, not only because they're a reflection of Christ (the personification of the potential within all of us), but by virtue of being a person. But oftentimes I don't. I don't see the person, only my annoyance at the things they do or say that I don't like. I don't see the presence of God, their buddha-nature, even though it's hidden in there somewhere.

But I bet Mary could. And in her assumption, I see the story of someone so incredible and worthy of devotion, that she was lifted straight to heaven because of her boundless love, compassion, and wisdom.

I probably shouldn't quit my day job.

Vespers came and went, and I felt a touch of melancholy knowing that it was the last of this stay. I made sure to make it to meditation afterwards, and it was the best sit I've had all week. I focused on the bottom of my diaphragm again and repeated a new mantra, breaking up the words between my in and out breaths: ↑Jesus ↓Christ, ↑open ↓my heart, ↑enlighten ↓my darkness. Compline was even more beautiful than usually tonight, suffused with the monks' devotion to Mary. I left the chapel happy and uplifted, lazily meandering my way towards the main road to watch the sunset. And as I approached the road, a hawk flew right over my head, so close I could scarcely believe it—a perfect end to yet another perfect day.


8/16/15

Sigh. My last day.

As I sit here writing this, waiting for Annie to pick me up to take me back into 'the world' and thinking about the past week, it's hard not to feel sad. In some ways, I feel like I'm leaving home. For me, monasteries are such wonderful places because they give you the time, solitude, and structure to help foster the necessary attitudes and mental states to live a truly contemplative life. Day by day, you feel yourself growing more in touch with yourself, and with those around you. Life becomes so serene when you remove what's superfluous from it, when you begin and end your day celebrating your existence, and every moment, suffusing it with a sense of love and devotion. Monasteries are often places deeply connected to, and protective of, nature, as well, becoming a place of refuge for both spiritual seekers and animals alike. How could I not feel sad leaving such a place? To me, it feels like the only sane place in the world.

8/6/15

Yesterday was my first time back at B-. Since Fr. Michael is still in LA, Kathleen led the discussion, and almost everyone was there except Chris and Dorothy. We started with a printout of a short bio of Jean-Pierre de Caussade. Caussade was a Jesuit priest and mystic who focused on the importance of being in the present moment and surrendering ourselves to God: "If we have abandoned ourselves to God, there is only one rule for us: the duty of the present moment." In this, his approach was quite similar to Buddhism.

A lot of questions were raised during the discussion that I wanted to address but wasn't sure how to without using a lot of Buddhist concepts and terms, which I knew would be lost on many, so I mostly just listened. One issue was the purpose of being 'in the present.' From the Buddhist point of view, this is where the work of the meditator is done, where mindfulness can help us uproot our defilements and strengthen our skillful states of mind. It's also where we can cultivate the insights leading to the realization of Dhamma, truth, through sustained practice of meditative techniques and contemplation:

Monks, I do not say that the attainment of gnosis is all at once. Rather, the attainment of gnosis is after gradual training, gradual action, gradual practice. And how is there the attainment of gnosis after gradual training, gradual action, gradual practice? There is the case where, when conviction has arisen, one visits [a teacher]. Having visited, one grows close. Having grown close, one lends ear. Having lent ear, one hears the Dhamma. Having heard the Dhamma, one remembers it. Remembering, one penetrates the meaning of the teachings. Penetrating the meaning, one comes to an agreement through pondering the teachings. There being an agreement through pondering the teachings, desire arises. When desire has arisen, one is willing. When one is willing, one contemplates. Having contemplated, one makes an exertion. Having made an exertion, one realizes with the body the ultimate truth and, having penetrated it with discernment, sees it. (MN 70)

But what is Dhamma? In Buddhism, Dhamma is twofold. It refers to (1) the teachings/symbols pointing towards (2) a profound truth. That truth is an experience/way of perceiving reality that leads to a new mode of being and connection with the absolute; and that new mode of being is an existential transformation lifting us above the fear and suffering we experience through our ignorance and craving/clinging, the reality of things as they are when seen with a calm, clear, and ultimately selfless mind—a mode of being where, in the words of Caussade, we're able to "embrace the present moment as an ever-flowing source of holiness."

Although Buddhism and Christianity talk about this mode of being in different terms, I think they're talking about a similar experience, one that words are unable to fully express. And while people may argue over the language used in communicating the intellectual frameworks we attempt to build around this experience, this awakening or theosis, so that we can try to understand it and the means of achieving it, I suspect that they're arguing over the symbols rather than what they're actually pointing towards, whether it be the luminous mind of Buddhism or the presence of God dwelling within the temple of our bodies.

That said, it seems to me the Western Church has historically been suspicious of mystics and their approach to spirituality, opting instead for a more intellectual and legalistic one. But I agree with Karl Rahner, via Knitter in Without Buddha I Could not be a Christian, that "Christians will be mystics, or they will not be anything" (15), which I take to mean that an experience of God is essential for having a truly fulfilling spiritual life. And that experience, along with the insights that come with it, will in turn open us up to the truth underlying all religions, or as Knitter puts it:

I believe I have discovered something that I suspect characterizes religious experience in whatever tradition or historical context: the more deeply one enters into the core experience that animates one's own tradition, the more broadly one is enabled and perhaps moved to enter into the experiences of other traditions. The more deeply one sinks into one's own religious truth, the more broadly one can appreciate and learn from other truths. (215-16)

In essence, I truly believe that the message of the mystic is ultimately the same message of Jesus—a universal and unifying message linking us to God and to each other by means of which we "may come to share in the divine nature, after escaping from the corruption that is in the world because of evil desire" (2 Peter 1:4).

8/4/15

Where has all the time gone? A year ago today, I was spending the last day of my five-day visit to Our Lady of Guadalupe writing about my experience, wondering if "I'll ever find God or become Catholic or both and one day enter a Trappist monastery." And a year later, I've been baptized and confirmed into the faith, and preparing for my second visit to the abbey. Except this time, it's more out of grief than uncertainty and curiosity. I went to the 8am mass at St. Philip this morning, mainly because it's the feast day of St. John Vianney and to commemorate the beginning of this journey (and journal). I still vividly recall my last day at Our Lady, listening to the story of St. John Vianney and being inspired by it, wondering what the future held. I had no idea that in the coming year I'd discover St. Philip and join the Church, or that I'd lose my mom and have my newly found faith shaken to the point of collapse. It's still so hard to get passed, to see beyond the pain and suffering of her last days of life. But I'm trying, and I hope that this visit will help.

8/2/15

Today at mass, Fr. Charlie's homily really spoke to me. For starters, he talked a lot about loss of faith, which I can definitely relate to at the moment. I feel like the lost sheep in Luke, waiting to be found out in the desert. And not just because I've lost faith in the path I'm on, but in people, too. Even myself. But that's where daily bread comes in, which not only comes in the form of the Eucharist, but everything in life that helps and encourages us. In some ways, daily bread is "who we are and who we're called to be."

Life's a journey, and our daily bread is the spiritual food for the journey, that which nourishes and heals and inspires us. For me, that's been the Eucharist, but also the people in my life who have been there for me and the situations that have brought joy back into my heart. Fr. Charlie mentioned Mark 2:17, where Jesus says, "Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners," saying that he believed the Eucharist was for everyone who needs healing.

The readings themselves caught my attention, too, having rather Buddhist ideas/parallels. In the second reading from Ephesians, Paul tells the Ephesians (and us), "that you should put away the old self of your former way of life, corrupted through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created in God’s way in righteousness and holiness of truth." And in the gospel reading from John, Jesus speaks of a non-perishable kind of bread that "endures for eternal life."

The former, I think, corresponds to the teachings on anatta, where the 'old self' refers to one not well-versed in the teachings of the noble ones, and the 'new self' refers to one firmly on the path. The latter, on the other hand, reminds me of the teachings on nutriment and the feeding habits of the mind/body. The only difference is that Jesus uses the imagery of "food that endures for eternal life," while Buddhism uses the imagery of a mind that no longer has to feed; but I think they're both pointing in the same direction.

At the moment, though, all of that's far beyond me. I'm still struggling with the grief and the sadness and the emptiness I feel. I'm still trying to find the light at the end of this dark tunnel. But I've made arrangements to stay at Our Lady of Guadalupe for six days in the hopes that maybe some time in prayer and solitude in such a wonderful place will help me heal and discover the path that God had laid out before me.