After I got home from my five days at Our Lady of Guadalupe, I sent an email to Br. Chris thanking him again for showing me around and included a copy of what I'd written so that he could have a better idea about my experience. I was sure that he'd read it, see that I took my time there seriously, and perhaps give me some advice on how to move forward. I figured maybe trying to see if I could attend a monastic life retreat some time next summer, when I'd get three months off from work.
His initial response the next day was to thank me for the email and text (which he said he'd read when he had the time) and to say that it was good having me there. About six days later, though, he sent an email basically saying that, upon further reflection, he thought I was unsettlingly distant, non-communicative, and intense, especially during our first and last meeting, but also most of my time in the guest house as well. He said it was as if I had two personalities, one that was ready for the monastic life retreat and one that wasn't (nor would ever be), and suggest that I learn more about the Catholic Church, as well as visit a parish church and attend mass in order to get more comfortable with the Church in general.
In my defense, I told him that one of the main reasons I sent him a copy of my thoughts on the retreat was that I wasn't able to articulate much the last time we spoke and I wanted him to have an idea of my experience, the things I was thinking, etc. I just didn't know what to say then, and he seemed like he was in a hurry, so I didn't want to keep him. (I'm naturally kind of shy, as well, so I don't initiate conversations much, either.) I also told him that during our first meeting on my first day, I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. When I'm in situations like that, I'm often quiet and just observe things.
As for the guest house (I can only assume Rhonda or one of the other volunteers mentioned something about my demeanor when asked), I simply told him I was trying to maintain a quiet and contemplative atmosphere, and mostly followed the lead of the guy I was staying with, who was just as quiet as I was. I didn't want to disturb anyone else's retreat, and I was trying to absorb all I could from mine.
On the one hand, it doesn't surprise me. I'm used to people thinking me rather stoic or even dour when I'm quiet like that. I guess it can be unsettling for people, especially if they don't know me. But to be honest, I find it surprising that it bothered people in a monastic setting, where I'm used to it being a strength, i.e., keeping idle chatter to a minimum, taking the experience seriously, not disturbing other people's retreat experience, always being mindful, etc. (And the Trappists are generally known for living relatively silent lives, even developing their own form of sign language to foster that, and I went in with that in mind.)
I finished by telling him that I appreciated his honesty (although some of that honesty hurt to read), and if he didn't think I was ready for the monastic life retreat, I trusted his judgment. I said it probably would've been helpful to have had more experience with the Church and to learn more about it before asking to stay at a Catholic monastery, and that I'd try to do that.
For my part, I enjoyed my time there and thought it was fruitful. I spent most of it reading and thinking and meditating, and I got to experience a different approach to solitude. And I honestly think that Br. Chris would find me up for the monastic life retreat if given the chance. Then again, maybe he's right. Maybe I need more time before taking that step.
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