I've found myself in a bit of a conundrum this week. On the one hand, if things continue in the direction they are, I'll find myself being initiated into the Catholic Church on Holy Saturday, April 4th. It's kind of strange to think about it considering my past issues with the Church, as well as my current disagreements with a number of Church positions; but I can't deny that this path feels like the right one for me at the moment. It's been an unexpected journey, but it's also been a rewarding one.
I really enjoyed my time at mass today, for example. Fr. Charlie gave a nice homily on success and using our talents in the right way based on the day's Scripture readings, i.e., to utilize the skills and talents we have by sharing them with others, to give them as gifts as Jesus commanded his apostles to do. He ended with a story that reinforced St. Paul's exhortation to "stay alert and sober," the lesson being, "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" And after mass, I stayed for the monthly french toast breakfast and got to talk with a lot of nice people, like Fr. Michael, Fr. Charlie, a lady named Connie, and some of the people from the inquiry class.
On the other, I'm wondering if it's something I should actually pursue, and a number of questions are starting to arise as I take the idea seriously. One is, Should I do it even though I don't entirely agree with all of the official positions of the Church? Is there room for dissent? Another issue is that some of the ideas I find myself entertaining border on heresies found in Pelagianism (e.g., the possibility that one is capable of choosing good or evil without Divine aid), Origenism (e.g., the possible pre-existence of beings prior to this life and the possibility of universal salvation), Americanism (e.g., the desirability of separation of church and state and the need for Church doctrine to evolve along with society), etc.
There's a lot about Catholicism that I find appealing, especially the contemplative aspects and the spiritual nourishment I've been receiving at St. Philip. However, I disagree with the Church's positions on things like women priests, married clergy, same-sex marriage, birth control, etc., which gives me pause. I feel strongly about equality, and in turn, my image of God is a God of love and equality, so it's hard to accept people in positions of authority saying women shouldn't be priests, gay relationships are sinful and same-sex marriage should be illegal, women shouldn’t have control over their bodies and reproductive choices, etc. And admitting all of that, I wonder if there's a place for me in the Church as an institution. I don't want to be excommunicated as soon as I'm confirmed.
I know I could simply keep these things to myself, but that feels dishonest and I wouldn't feel right keeping many of them to myself. Some, like the role of grace in choosing good, aren't really that important, and I could keep quiet about them since they're just speculations and not why I'm attracted to the Church. Who cares how or why I choose to do good as long as I'm doing good? But others, like my support of same-sex couples, are important to me, and I won't stop supporting equal rights for all just because the prevailing attitude of the Church is that discrimination is justified. Even though it may put me into difficult positions, I'm always going to stand up for what I feel in my heart to be right.
But that leads me back to my conundrum. I feel like I'm on this path for a reason. Despite my past aversion to Christianity in general, and Catholicism in particular, I feel at home at St. Philip. I look forward to each Wednesday and Sunday there. I'm full of new appreciation for the Church and what it has to offer spiritually. I want to fully participate in mass; and at some point in the future, I'd really like to attend the monastic life retreat at Our Lady. I just wonder if I'm truly on the right track.
No comments:
Post a Comment