11/6/14

The last couple of weeks have been kind of rough for me, and I don't have much energy or motivation lately. After my experience at PFoD Friday abd Saturday, I have a redoubled sense of needing to put more effort into my spiritual practice; but at the same time, I don't have much to give at the moment. On top of that, I'm not happy at my low-paying, unfulfilling job; and I don't have any confidence in myself or know my place in the world. I've been sad and angry and lonely, and unsure of what to do to make things better.

Last night at the B- meeting, however, Fr. Michael touched upon prayer, and what he said helped. He said that prayer is ultimately a transformative process, that it's about waking up: waking up to our sinfulness (unskillful behaviour), to our relationship with God (the absolute) and the people around us (interdependence), etc. He said that, in prayer, we need to slow down and become what we pray. It's not just about reciting the words ritualistically, it's a contemplative act. As an example, he handed out the prayer of St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, harmony;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

Not only is the prayer itself beautifully worded and full of compassion, love, and selflessness/humility (all things that I need to strengthen in myself), but it's something to be put into practice, to become. Fr. Michael asked us to imagine the transformative potential of taking a line or two to work on for a whole day or even week—to mentally recite it throughout the day and try to really live it. And then just imagine if we did that for, say, the next 28 years, letting ourselves become immersed in prayer and allowing it to help change us. It's a contemplative approach to prayer, as well as a practical one.

After the meeting, he also gave me some encouraging words about my lack of confidence and not knowing my place in the world. He told me about the journey he took in becoming a priest, and said that I shouldn't feel like I have to have everything figured out right now. He said that the most important thing to do is to keep talking about these things because that's how opportunities (and discernment) arise. He also encouraged me to spend some more time at Our Lady of Guadalupe, which is definitely something I want to do.